
The current artistic gatekeepers over at OLTL seem to have a
consistently bad habit of starting off their sweeps periods with
much too slow of a build. This time around, the show has clearly
jumped on the "sweeps = catastrophe" bandwagon made popular by
General Hospital, and copied - with varying degrees of success - by
other soaps, including OLTL in the past. Remember the tornado that
killed Duke
while he was busy impregnating his stepmother, Kelly Cramer? That
same tornado blinded Evangeline and led to some of the worst
storytelling in the show's history. And while the Kelly/Duke reveal
was entertaining, killing off Duke was a hideous error in
judgment. Certainly, we are right to expect more from Ron Carlivati
than that drivel. But 'drivel' comes to mind when searching for the
right word to describe what I felt I was watching this past week.
There were high points and good things about the week, don't get me
wrong. But... for sweeps? Not good enough, I'm
afraid. Especially since, once again, comparisons to the other ABC
sweeps periods are inevitable - especially when going the route of
spectacle and effects. OLTL is fighting for ratings as well as
respect. Cancellation rumors abound. Despite some reassurance from
the network (as well as on-set sources) that such rumors are
exaggerated, this is no time for the show to be slacking. Compared
to GH's stellar fallout from the Dante/Sonny reveal and even AMC's
resurrection of Greenlee, OLTL is faring the worst so far. That's
not good.
Sweeps aren't
over, so there's still a lot of room left for OLTL to come out on
top (creatively, at least). But my expectations now have been
lowered considerably. The show's obvious aspiration to produce a
"big event" sweeps is probably a miscalculation. I love big events
when done right, but for whatever reason, GH seems to be the only
ABC show with the budget, effects, know-how, and talent to pull such
a thing off. OLTL excels at events such as balls, press
conferences, benefits, galas, etc. (Woman of the Year, anyone?).
But car pile-ups? Not so much. I found myself very distanced from
the drama by the rather silly ways in which cars kept spinning
around in circles and going off the road for no apparent reason. Especially since there was absolutely NO WIND blowing that fake snow
around! Once people got out of their cars, it looked like they were
somewhere in very pleasant (albeit snowy) weather. Yet, everyone
was skidding off the road. It really hurt these scenes that we
never saw the cars' exteriors. General Hospital would have included
shots of the cars actually driving up winding roads. One Life
should have forgotten about the fake snow and shot some real car
stunts in an "ice storm" rather than snow storm. And really, why
did they need to do the car accidents at all? Everyone could have
simply made their way up the mountain for their various purposes. I
was wholly unimpressed with the effects and the storytelling. The
effects got in the story's way rather than supported the story
(things stalled as characters searched abandoned cars and John McBrain once again had to rescue a damsel in distress).
More painful than the special effects though, were the character
interactions on Llantano Mountain and in the town proper. It's bad
enough that we have to watch some contrived reason for Jolie to get
back together (oooh, let's trap Natalie in a car and then make her
hallucinate that she is kissing Jared...), but you know things are
messed up when Jolie isn't even near the bottom of the barrel in
terms of sheer annoyingness. I've really reached my limit with how
awfully dull so many of the characters, relationships, and even
actors have become. Watching Starr/Cole scenes is embarrassing. Two
years ago, I looked forward to their scenes as star-crossed teens
struggling to be together. Now they are like someone's grandparents
who never leave the house and have sex once every other year while
giggling about counting sheep and blowing bubbles. They are the
epitome of what a teen couple on soaps should NEVER become - dry,
dull, and as sexy as mold (this is not even taking into account how
Starr is supposedly the biological and psychological offspring of
Todd and Blair, which makes her ironic cheesiness almost
unbearable). How could the writers let their main teen couple
become more boring than any real life teen couple? Soap couples
should be more exciting than real people - not less so! It's
a travesty! But the boring disease that has all but rendered Starr
and Cole lifeless seems to be spreading to the entire town. I was
shocked that one of the better couples on the show, Todd and Tea,
seems to be succumbing to this annoying state. Their scenes were
mushy and gooey and qualified as fast-forward material. And let's
not forget the ENDLESS parade of Stacy/Gigi/Kim/Schuyler/Rex
combinations, which all amount to regurgitated, recycled,
unimaginative, and often badly acted scenes featuring practically
interchangeable characters who mean nothing to me and are about as
engaging as watching C-SPAN. "Why couldn't they all just die
in a car accident," I caught myself wondering out loud as the rather
pointless parade of cars made their way up the mountain. Something
is REALLY wrong when so many of the canvas' most prominently
featured characters inspire only indifference or annoyance.
But the most
brutal reality of all is that OLTL has badly bungled the return of
Mitch Laurence. I can't deny that anymore, despite my love of Mitch
and Roscoe Born. Mitch's pathetic, empty stronghold houses one
follower (cartoonish Nurse Charles) and two momentary thugs. Really? That's Mitch's cult? Where does his power come
from, then? Who was feeding him information these past months, down
to knowing exactly how many times Stacy and Rex had sex? If these
mysterious sources of information were so great, then how are we
supposed to buy that Mitch didn't know Stacy had lost the baby and
then went about trying to seduce half of Llanview? Everything about
the Mitch story is inconsistent and borders on nonsense, including
his ability to evade the law and manipulate everyone around him when
he seems to have only one lousy follower. When thinking of the
possibilities with Mitch coming back compared to the sloppy and
head-scratching execution of it, there's nothing to do but hang
one's head in shame. There are some good moments, no doubt. It's
wonderful to see Jessica go batshit crazy again, because we all know
she is useless and annoying unless she is as crazed as a rabid
goose. But while Bree Williamson may be benefiting most from this
so-called storyline, others like Robin Strasser and Brian Kerwin are
practically being humiliated with nonsensical writing and absurd
scenes in which Dorian squeaks, sqwaks, limps, and shrieks after
Charlie to kill Mitch, while Charlie perpetuates his new incarnation
as Llanview's worst husband and biggest jack ass.
Obviously, I'm disappointed. If only TPTB had not tried to be more
like General Hospital and instead tried to be OLTL at it's best, I
wouldn't be holding on to Gina Tognoni's first air date and counting
down the days until Stacy is killed off. Instead, I'd just be
enjoying the ride. This is sweeps after all. I guess I was hoping
for more than some stranded cars and some silly Mitch stuff. I
guess I'll just wait patiently for Stacy's demise and hope the pay
off makes up for this lilting start to February.
Monday, Feb. 1
- Obviously,
Stacy's doctor could figure out what is going on, between not
remembering ordering the oxytocin script, to already knowing Rex
isn't the father, and Stacy going into labor a month early. Stacy,
Kim, and Schuyler are not good schemers. If Schuyler was a good
schemer, he would have just stolen the drug, not signed his name for
it.
- Jessica is
pretty dumb. She kept defying and egging on Mitch. You'd think
she'd know by now to either play along or perhaps fake her alter
personalities coming out. But the writers insist on writing her as
very stupid.
- The
Eli/Blair scenes are boring compared to the Blair/Ford moment we got
last week.
- Finally,
Jessica figures out that she has to play along. She's not
convincing at all, but Mitch is buying it. What are the writers
doing? Not enough thought went into any of this!
- Dorian and
Charlie are just hanging out in Rex's apartment for like, an hour.
More crap that doesn't make sense. Why is Dorian being so freaking
careless? I thought her entire motivation was to "protect her
girls?" She's willing to appoint Lowell as police commissioner,
but she's also willing to be seen in public conspiring with Charlie
and trying to kidnap Stacy? Makes no sense.
- I don't
care how the show tries to explain this away, but Brody needs to go
to jail. You cannot threaten people in open court with a gun and
then fire it off (even if staged) and get away with it.
- Again
Jessica proves her stupidity by trying to call on a cell phone
thirty seconds after Mitch left the room. She should have sent a
mass text out instead of tried calling. And she should have stayed
in bed longer and checked through the curtain before trying to use
the phone.
- John and
Brody beating up cops? Really?
- I usually
love Tea/Starr scenes, but today they're boring. In fact, Tea has
been losing some of her edge. Starr lost hers long ago, but PLEASE,
writers, don't turn Tea into a softy.
- I can't
stand Gigi and Schuyler as a couple now. Gross.
- I was
confused by the EMT's beating up cops for John. I missed the first
line about them being "friends from the bureau." That was really
confusing. And why would FBI agents agree to beat up cops? And why
didn't any of the cops call for help? I felt like I was watching a
bad episode of some 80's cop show.
Tuesday, Feb.
2
- Have you
EVER seen a faker baby bump than the one on Stacy? Shameful!
- I'm SO SICK
of Mitch having one freaking follower! If TPTB didn't want to
invest in a bunch of extras being on every day, then they should
have had Mitch come out of his coma pretending not to have his
memory, and insinuating himself into Jessica and Rex's lives and
done a whole "is he still evil?" story or something. Roscoe Born's
talent is being disrespected in this dumb storyline.
- Cole just
ran out of his apartment to go save his mommy - without a coat or
keys. Good luck with that.
- John,
Brody, and Nat are just driving as fast as they can, with no idea
whatsoever where they are going.
- Why is Gigi
putting on this whole "Poor Me" act for Rex? Note to Gigi: You
could have reported Rex to the government and demanded child
support. You chose to raise your baby on your own. Stop whining and
trying to seek attention from the man you just coldly dumped for
another shallow liar. And PLEASE cut off your crazy, crazy hair!
- The only
character I like today is Marty. She's doing the whole "tough
momma" routine and standing by her man and kind of breaking the
rules.
- Now John
and Brody are SHOOTING BULLETS at fellow cops? C'mon, they HAVE to
go to JAIL!!!
- Kim needs
to get a damn life. She is more concerned with Stacy ending up with
Rex than she is with the health of Stacy's baby or what is going on
with Clint.
Wednesday,
Feb. 3
- First ever
Stacy/Dorian scenes. I enjoyed Dorian screaming at Stacy, that's
about all I can say about these scenes.
- Lots of
Markko/Starr scenes today. Mark my words, this is a chemistry test.
- Again,
Todd/Tea scenes are boring and making me antsy. Boring dialogue and
kind of a waste.
- They should
kill off Langston while she's flat on her back with Ford. Kind of
like Duke/Kelly redeux. However, I recently saw a press photo for
the next High School Musical Langston is writing (GAG ME NOW!), and
Langston was in it. So... she's not the Cramer that's being killed
off. I think she should be, though. If they kill off Cassie or
Adriana over Langston, I'm gonna be pissed.
- Langston is
being so whoreish. She needs to be honest with Markko.
- David
Gregory is so good looking, and Ford is so seductive. Here's what I
think they should do: Have Ford seduce and manipulate everyone in
town and build for a year or so as the show's main
scoundrel/villain. Then, get in a terrible accident and become
completely deformed.
- At least
Stacy is finally telling the truth and trying to get out of this
mess. She's smarter than Jessica - isn't that sad???
- Mark Lawson
delivered a stellar monologue today when Brody was looking out of
the car window and talking about Jessica. What a great example of
how an actor can turn cheesy dialogue into an acting showcase.
Nice, subtle honesty from Lawson.
- Does anyone
remember how Brody was a heavy-drinking manwhore when he first came
on the show? Can we revisit that when Jessica turns into a sixteen
year old nutbag?
Thursday, Feb.
4
-
No matter how
hard they try, soaps just can't make car crashes seem realistic. So
why do they bother? And another thing they can't do right... snow. Real snow melts. Sigh.
- MORE
Todd/Tea drowsiness? Third day in a row of them talking about their
feelings. Yawn.
- MISSING IN
ACTION: Cris and Layla. Layla probably heard Jessica has Reverse
SORAS Disorder and decided to go join Evangeline in her mother's
attic.
- Gigi on the
phone with Schuyler: "I'm losing you!" Is that foreshadowing,
writers?
- And so
begins two entire days full of characters talking into phones that
keep cutting out. SUPER ANNOYING. And I guess everyone in Llanview
uses AT&T or something. My phone doesn't cut out during snow
storms.
- Sigh...
Gigi and Sky on the phone.... Dorian screeching at Charlie and then
screeching that her feet hurt... John popping an air bag... THIS is
February Sweeps? Zzzzzzzzzzz.
- Why is the
snow coming straight down? Where is the wind?
- Okay, Nurse
Charles is creepy, but why isn't Allison Perkins in this storyline
instead of her? Who cares about this random nurse?
- The dialogue when Starr and Cole are in bed together is
shockingly bad. The type of stuff that gives soaps a bad name.
Kristen Alderson fairs much, much better in dramatic storylines and
needs to be kept away from this cutesy-patootsy crap. It doesn't
suit her.
- Cole just
told Starr he is afraid of sheep. I'm about to pull my hair out.
- Starr is
helping Cole fall asleep, which in turn, is helping me fall asleep.
- Jessica:
"Father? Is that my baby?" WHOAH. I guess it just took one shock
to turn Jessica into her old CUH-razy self again. Yay! Now
writers, please make sure to never let her regain her sanity. We
know from experience she's just no good that way.
- Why did
TPTB spend time and money on blowing up the getaway car as if we are
meant to wonder if John and Natalie are dead? They know the fans
are smarter than that. Complete waste of money!!!
Friday, Feb. 5
- Starr,
while being sexually suggestive with Cole: "Do you think this is gonna help you get to sleep?" Umm... yes, Starr, that is the usual
effect on a man after having sex. This only supports my theory that
Cole and Starr have only had sex two or three times in their entire
relationship. Apparently, they also do it while fully clothed. I
guess they learned that from Bo, Nora, and John McBain. It's the Llanview way. But seriously, Starr and Cole must have the most
boring sex ever in the history of Planet Earth. This is official
Storyline S.O.S. Make that Character S.O.S.
- Why is
Mitch pissed at Stacy? He should be mad at his moles and spies that
told him everything down to Tea's secret daughter, yet failed to
mention that Stacy had a miscarriage and then tried screwing every
gay man in town.
- I feel bad
for Roscoe Born today. He gives it his all, but this dialogue is
seriously rotten.
- THANK GOD
ROXY IS ON TODAY. It's about damn time.
- Wait!!!
Kim is at the mansion, and so is VIKI! I thought we would get a Viki/Kim moment, but we didn't. Monday, please!!!
- Jessica's
zombie-like lack of interest in Mitch/Stacy is kind of how I feel
about the whole show right now.
- I do like
the Roxy/Kyle scenes though, and it's cool that Kyle chose to
divulge the truth about the baby to Roxy. I also like how she
warned him that he shouldn't tell her any secrets.
- But
after promising to tell Kyle (and the audience) the truth about
Rex's conception, it never happened. WTH was that?
- A certain
former marble-mouthed performer has slipped back into their old
ways. I can barely understand a single word.
- Watching
Schuyler, aka Who Cares, hobble around with some sort of leg wound
is about as entertaining as taking out the trash. It's a chore.
- Good Todd/Viki
scenes.
- LOVED Nigel
being nice to Kim. Good moment.
- Stacy is
such a dumb biatch. She is released from captivity and what does
she do? She bangs on the door to please let her back in, because
it's snowing, after all. You better start WALKING, girl.
- Charlie:
"I can't let Gigi go out there alone." Gigi: "Yes you can. I'm
from Michigan. This blizzard is nothing." YES! Love that line. And I was thinking the exact same thing. My goodness, what would
any of these people do if they had to endure a Chicago winter? That
blizzard is a joke! But then I realized the show films in New York
City and is set in Pennsylvania. So shouldn't the show know how to
make it look like a bad snow storm? If not, then why bother?
- Oh no. I
can't believe the show is "going there" with this Jessica/Mitch
incest thing. Well, at least they have my attention now. The scary
thing is that, the way Jessica is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if
she agreed to have sex with her father.
- Roxy,
talking about Stacy: "That bitch... is dead." More
foreshadowing. I think we get it now.
- I'm
interested to see how Stacy's death will affect the Kim/Clint
relationship.
