The current artistic gatekeepers over at OLTL seem to have a consistently bad habit of starting off their sweeps periods with much too slow of a build. This time around, the show has clearly jumped on the "sweeps = catastrophe" bandwagon made popular by General Hospital, and copied - with varying degrees of success - by other soaps, including OLTL in the past. Remember the tornado that killed Duke while he was busy impregnating his stepmother, Kelly Cramer? That same tornado blinded Evangeline and led to some of the worst storytelling in the show's history. And while the Kelly/Duke reveal was entertaining, killing off Duke was a hideous error in judgment. Certainly, we are right to expect more from Ron Carlivati than that drivel. But 'drivel' comes to mind when searching for the right word to describe what I felt I was watching this past week. There were high points and good things about the week, don't get me wrong. But... for sweeps?  Not good enough, I'm afraid. Especially since, once again, comparisons to the other ABC sweeps periods are inevitable - especially when going the route of spectacle and effects. OLTL is fighting for ratings as well as respect.  Cancellation rumors abound. Despite some reassurance from the network (as well as on-set sources) that such rumors are exaggerated, this is no time for the show to be slacking. Compared to GH's stellar fallout from the Dante/Sonny reveal and even AMC's resurrection of Greenlee, OLTL is faring the worst so far. That's not good.

Sweeps aren't over, so there's still a lot of room left for OLTL to come out on top (creatively, at least). But my expectations now have been lowered considerably.  The show's obvious aspiration to produce a "big event" sweeps is probably a miscalculation. I love big events when done right, but for whatever reason, GH seems to be the only ABC show with the budget, effects, know-how, and talent to pull such a thing off. OLTL excels at events such as balls, press conferences, benefits, galas, etc. (Woman of the Year, anyone?).  But car pile-ups?  Not so much. I found myself very distanced from the drama by the rather silly ways in which cars kept spinning around in circles and going off the road for no apparent reason. Especially since there was absolutely NO WIND blowing that fake snow around! Once people got out of their cars, it looked like they were somewhere in very pleasant (albeit snowy) weather. Yet, everyone was skidding off the road.  It really hurt these scenes that we never saw the cars' exteriors.  General Hospital would have included shots of the cars actually driving up winding roads. One Life should have forgotten about the fake snow and shot some real car stunts in an "ice storm" rather than snow storm. And really, why did they need to do the car accidents at all?  Everyone could have simply made their way up the mountain for their various purposes. I was wholly unimpressed with the effects and the storytelling. The effects got in the story's way rather than supported the story (things stalled as characters searched abandoned cars and John McBrain once again had to rescue a damsel in distress). 

More painful than the special effects though, were the character interactions on Llantano Mountain and in the town proper. It's bad enough that we have to watch some contrived reason for Jolie to get back together (oooh, let's trap Natalie in a car and then make her hallucinate that she is kissing Jared...), but you know things are messed up when Jolie isn't even near the bottom of the barrel in terms of sheer annoyingness. I've really reached my limit with how awfully dull so many of the characters, relationships, and even actors have become. Watching Starr/Cole scenes is embarrassing. Two years ago, I looked forward to their scenes as star-crossed teens struggling to be together. Now they are like someone's grandparents who never leave the house and have sex once every other year while giggling about counting sheep and blowing bubbles.  They are the epitome of what a teen couple on soaps should NEVER become - dry, dull, and as sexy as mold (this is not even taking into account how Starr is supposedly the biological and psychological offspring of Todd and Blair, which makes her ironic cheesiness almost unbearable). How could the writers let their main teen couple become more boring than any real life teen couple? Soap couples should be more exciting than real people - not less so!  It's a travesty!  But the boring disease that has all but rendered Starr and Cole lifeless seems to be spreading to the entire town. I was shocked that one of the better couples on the show, Todd and Tea, seems to be succumbing to this annoying state. Their scenes were mushy and gooey and qualified as fast-forward material. And let's not forget the ENDLESS parade of Stacy/Gigi/Kim/Schuyler/Rex combinations, which all amount to regurgitated, recycled, unimaginative, and often badly acted scenes featuring practically interchangeable characters who mean nothing to me and are about as engaging as watching C-SPAN.  "Why couldn't they all just die in a car accident," I caught myself wondering out loud as the rather pointless parade of cars made their way up the mountain.  Something is REALLY wrong when so many of the canvas' most prominently featured characters inspire only indifference or annoyance.

But the most brutal reality of all is that OLTL has badly bungled the return of Mitch Laurence. I can't deny that anymore, despite my love of Mitch and Roscoe Born. Mitch's pathetic, empty stronghold houses one follower (cartoonish Nurse Charles) and two momentary thugs. Really? That's Mitch's cult? Where does his power come from, then? Who was feeding him information these past months, down to knowing exactly how many times Stacy and Rex had sex? If these mysterious sources of information were so great, then how are we supposed to buy that Mitch didn't know Stacy had lost the baby and then went about trying to seduce half of Llanview? Everything about the Mitch story is inconsistent and borders on nonsense, including his ability to evade the law and manipulate everyone around him when he seems to have only one lousy follower.  When thinking of the possibilities with Mitch coming back compared to the sloppy and head-scratching execution of it, there's nothing to do but hang one's head in shame. There are some good moments, no doubt. It's wonderful to see Jessica go batshit crazy again, because we all know she is useless and annoying unless she is as crazed as a rabid goose. But while Bree Williamson may be benefiting most from this so-called storyline, others like Robin Strasser and Brian Kerwin are practically being humiliated with nonsensical writing and absurd scenes in which Dorian squeaks, sqwaks, limps, and shrieks after Charlie to kill Mitch, while Charlie perpetuates his new incarnation as Llanview's worst husband and biggest jack ass. 

Obviously, I'm disappointed.  If only TPTB had not tried to be more like General Hospital and instead tried to be OLTL at it's best, I wouldn't be holding on to Gina Tognoni's first air date and counting down the days until Stacy is killed off.  Instead, I'd just be enjoying the ride. This is sweeps after all. I guess I was hoping for more than some stranded cars and some silly Mitch stuff. I guess I'll just wait patiently for Stacy's demise and hope the pay off makes up for this lilting start to February.   

 

Monday, Feb. 1

-  Obviously, Stacy's doctor could figure out what is going on, between not remembering ordering the oxytocin script, to already knowing Rex isn't the father, and Stacy going into labor a month early. Stacy, Kim, and Schuyler are not good schemers. If Schuyler was a good schemer, he would have just stolen the drug, not signed his name for it.

-  Jessica is pretty dumb. She kept defying and egging on Mitch. You'd think she'd know by now to either play along or perhaps fake her alter personalities coming out. But the writers insist on writing her as very stupid.

-  The Eli/Blair scenes are boring compared to the Blair/Ford moment we got last week.

-  Finally, Jessica figures out that she has to play along. She's not convincing at all, but Mitch is buying it. What are the writers doing? Not enough thought went into any of this! 

-  Dorian and Charlie are just hanging out in Rex's apartment for like, an hour.  More crap that doesn't make sense. Why is Dorian being so freaking careless? I thought her entire motivation was to "protect her girls?"  She's willing to appoint Lowell as police commissioner, but she's also willing to be seen in public conspiring with Charlie and trying to kidnap Stacy? Makes no sense.

-  I don't care how the show tries to explain this away, but Brody needs to go to jail. You cannot threaten people in open court with a gun and then fire it off (even if staged) and get away with it.

-  Again Jessica proves her stupidity by trying to call on a cell phone thirty seconds after Mitch left the room. She should have sent a mass text out instead of tried calling. And she should have stayed in bed longer and checked through the curtain before trying to use the phone.

-  John and Brody beating up cops?  Really? 

-  I usually love Tea/Starr scenes, but today they're boring. In fact, Tea has been losing some of her edge. Starr lost hers long ago, but PLEASE, writers, don't turn Tea into a softy.

-  I can't stand Gigi and Schuyler as a couple now. Gross.

-  I was confused by the EMT's beating up cops for John. I missed the first line about them being "friends from the bureau." That was really confusing. And why would FBI agents agree to beat up cops? And why didn't any of the cops call for help? I felt like I was watching a bad episode of some 80's cop show.

Tuesday, Feb. 2

-  Have you EVER seen a faker baby bump than the one on Stacy?  Shameful!

-  I'm SO SICK of Mitch having one freaking follower! If TPTB didn't want to invest in a bunch of extras being on every day, then they should have had Mitch come out of his coma pretending not to have his memory, and insinuating himself into Jessica and Rex's lives and done a whole "is he still evil?" story or something.  Roscoe Born's talent is being disrespected in this dumb storyline.

-  Cole just ran out of his apartment to go save his mommy - without a coat or keys. Good luck with that.

-  John, Brody, and Nat are just driving as fast as they can, with no idea whatsoever where they are going. 

-  Why is Gigi putting on this whole "Poor Me" act for Rex? Note to Gigi: You could have reported Rex to the government and demanded child support. You chose to raise your baby on your own. Stop whining and trying to seek attention from the man you just coldly dumped for another shallow liar. And PLEASE cut off your crazy, crazy hair!

-  The only character I like today is Marty. She's doing the whole "tough momma" routine and standing by her man and kind of breaking the rules. 

-  Now John and Brody are SHOOTING BULLETS at fellow cops? C'mon, they HAVE to go to JAIL!!!

-  Kim needs to get a damn life. She is more concerned with Stacy ending up with Rex than she is with the health of Stacy's baby or what is going on with Clint. 

Wednesday, Feb. 3

-  First ever Stacy/Dorian scenes. I enjoyed Dorian screaming at Stacy, that's about all I can say about these scenes.

-  Lots of Markko/Starr scenes today. Mark my words, this is a chemistry test.

-  Again, Todd/Tea scenes are boring and making me antsy. Boring dialogue and kind of a waste.

-  They should kill off Langston while she's flat on her back with Ford. Kind of like Duke/Kelly redeux. However, I recently saw a press photo for the next High School Musical Langston is writing (GAG ME NOW!), and Langston was in it.   So... she's not the Cramer that's being killed off. I think she should be, though. If they kill off Cassie or Adriana over Langston, I'm gonna be pissed.

-  Langston is being so whoreish. She needs to be honest with Markko. 

-  David Gregory is so good looking, and Ford is so seductive. Here's what I think they should do: Have Ford seduce and manipulate everyone in town and build for a year or so as the show's main scoundrel/villain. Then, get in a terrible accident and become completely deformed. 

-  At least Stacy is finally telling the truth and trying to get out of this mess.  She's smarter than Jessica - isn't that sad???

-  Mark Lawson delivered a stellar monologue today when Brody was looking out of the car window and talking about Jessica. What a great example of how an actor can turn cheesy dialogue into an acting showcase. Nice, subtle honesty from Lawson.

-  Does anyone remember how Brody was a heavy-drinking manwhore when he first came on the show? Can we revisit that when Jessica turns into a sixteen year old nutbag?

Thursday, Feb. 4

-  No matter how hard they try, soaps just can't make car crashes seem realistic. So why do they bother? And another thing they can't do right... snow. Real snow melts. Sigh.

-  MORE Todd/Tea drowsiness? Third day in a row of them talking about their feelings. Yawn.

-  MISSING IN ACTION:  Cris and Layla.  Layla probably heard Jessica has Reverse SORAS Disorder and decided to go join Evangeline in her mother's attic.

-  Gigi on the phone with Schuyler: "I'm losing you!" Is that foreshadowing, writers?

-  And so begins two entire days full of characters talking into phones that keep cutting out. SUPER ANNOYING. And I guess everyone in Llanview uses AT&T or something. My phone doesn't cut out during snow storms. 

-  Sigh... Gigi and Sky on the phone.... Dorian screeching at Charlie and then screeching that her feet hurt... John popping an air bag... THIS is February Sweeps?  Zzzzzzzzzzz.

-  Why is the snow coming straight down? Where is the wind?

-  Okay, Nurse Charles is creepy, but why isn't Allison Perkins in this storyline instead of her? Who cares about this random nurse?

-  The dialogue when Starr and Cole are in bed together is shockingly bad. The type of stuff that gives soaps a bad name.  Kristen Alderson fairs much, much better in dramatic storylines and needs to be kept away from this cutesy-patootsy crap.  It doesn't suit her.

-  Cole just told Starr he is afraid of sheep. I'm about to pull my hair out.

-  Starr is helping Cole fall asleep, which in turn, is helping me fall asleep.

-  Jessica: "Father?  Is that my baby?" WHOAH. I guess it just took one shock to turn Jessica into her old CUH-razy self again. Yay!  Now writers, please make sure to never let her regain her sanity. We know from experience she's just no good that way.

-  Why did TPTB spend time and money on blowing up the getaway car as if we are meant to wonder if John and Natalie are dead? They know the fans are smarter than that. Complete waste of money!!!

Friday, Feb. 5

-  Starr, while being sexually suggestive with Cole: "Do you think this is gonna help you get to sleep?" Umm... yes, Starr, that is the usual effect on a man after having sex. This only supports my theory that Cole and Starr have only had sex two or three times in their entire relationship. Apparently, they also do it while fully clothed. I guess they learned that from Bo, Nora, and John McBain. It's the Llanview way. But seriously, Starr and Cole must have the most boring sex ever in the history of Planet Earth. This is official Storyline S.O.S. Make that Character S.O.S.

-  Why is Mitch pissed at Stacy? He should be mad at his moles and spies that told him everything down to Tea's secret daughter, yet failed to mention that Stacy had a miscarriage and then tried screwing every gay man in town.  

-  I feel bad for Roscoe Born today. He gives it his all, but this dialogue is seriously rotten.

-  THANK GOD ROXY IS ON TODAY.  It's about damn time.

-  Wait!!! Kim is at the mansion, and so is VIKI! I thought we would get a Viki/Kim moment, but we didn't. Monday, please!!!

-  Jessica's zombie-like lack of interest in Mitch/Stacy is kind of how I feel about the whole show right now.

-  I do like the Roxy/Kyle scenes though, and it's cool that Kyle chose to divulge the truth about the baby to Roxy. I also like how she warned him that he shouldn't tell her any secrets. 

-  But after promising to tell Kyle (and the audience) the truth about Rex's conception, it never happened. WTH was that?

-  A certain former marble-mouthed performer has slipped back into their old ways. I can barely understand a single word.

-  Watching Schuyler, aka Who Cares, hobble around with some sort of leg wound is about as entertaining as taking out the trash.  It's a chore.

-  Good Todd/Viki scenes. 

-  LOVED Nigel being nice to Kim.  Good moment.

-  Stacy is such a dumb biatch. She is released from captivity and what does she do? She bangs on the door to please let her back in, because it's snowing, after all. You better start WALKING, girl. 

-  Charlie: "I can't let Gigi go out there alone." Gigi: "Yes you can. I'm from Michigan. This blizzard is nothing." YES!  Love that line. And I was thinking the exact same thing. My goodness, what would any of these people do if they had to endure a Chicago winter? That blizzard is a joke!  But then I realized the show films in New York City and is set in Pennsylvania. So shouldn't the show know how to make it look like a bad snow storm?  If not, then why bother?

-  Oh no.  I can't believe the show is "going there" with this Jessica/Mitch incest thing. Well, at least they have my attention now. The scary thing is that, the way Jessica is acting, I wouldn't be surprised if she agreed to have sex with her father.

-  Roxy, talking about Stacy: "That bitch... is dead." More foreshadowing.  I think we get it now. 

-  I'm interested to see how Stacy's death will affect the Kim/Clint relationship.