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UPDATED 11-10-08
CRAZE
The
Blair Witch Project
Something has
been off - WAY off - about Llanview lately. Someone crucial to the canvas has
been missing for the past few years. Her name is Blair Cramer
 Happy
Sweeps, everyone! I have been enjoying the show very much, despite
some inane and implausible writing. I even had a friend over the
other night to watch Friday's episode with me. She is a Days of Our
Lives fan, who has never seen One Life to Live save for the vintage
Viki-Dorian clips I forced her to watch on You Tube awhile back
(which she loved). I bring this up because this person, who loves
the genre of soap operas but has never watched the ABC shows,
thought One Life to Live (based solely on this episode) was
outstanding. She really loved it. She even wants to start watching
it - but because she does not have Soap Net and won't give up Days,
she'll have to vicariously follow the show through me. I told her it
would be worth giving up Days (it's a nasty habit), but she's way
too hooked on it. Anyway, I wanted to mention this because it made
me kind of proud to be a OLTL fan. This sweeps period, though
flawed, is excellent so far. I had a good time explaining the
craziness of Messica, Todd's evil baby plan, and the secret room's
history to my friend. She realized this was a great soap, right off
the bat (lucky for her, the Shitsies weren't on).
 But something
wasn't quite right, and it's been gnawing away at my nerves ever
since: BLAIR. I think she's been bugging me for a long time now,
but I didn't realize how badly until I had to talk about her with an
objective source. I tried to explain Blair (as I was explaining all
of the characters in this episode) to my friend, but all I could say
about her was what she used to be like. I found trying to
describe Blair's current incarnation under Ron Carlivati to be more
than a difficult task. I was speechless, really. What can you say
about her other than, "She's a good mother, and she's kinda sorta
dating this cop who is emotionally unavailable and uncommunicative,
but he's not really that into her...?" She sounds like a boring
character! BLAIR CRAMER - boring!? I couldn't describe Blair in a
way that made her seem interesting. Instead, I was faced with the
sudden, shocking revelation that Blair Cramer is one of the most
boring characters on One Life to Live. HOW on EARTH did this come
to pass? And HOW can it be fixed?
 When One Life to Live was in what I call it's Second Golden Age (the
early-to-mid 90's), Blair was one of the most exciting characters on
the canvas. Who can forget her life-threatening manipulations of Asa? Her mind-meltingly hot seduction of Max Holden? Her scheme to
marry Todd Manning? Who can ever forget the magic of Todd and
Blair, Kassie DePaivia and Roger Howarth - a bonafide, genuine super
couple; one of the last of a dying breed? Who can ever forget Blair
causing the death of Kelly's unborn child? What about when she "saw
red?" When she pushed Tea out of a window? When she chopped her
own hair off in a rage? Love her or hate her, there is no denying
that Blair Cramer was a vital, controversial character who drove
storylines for years and years. So... what happened?
Characters are allowed to change. It's perfectly acceptable that
Blair has matured a bit. She's a mother of three. She has always
genuinely loved her children and strived to be a good mother (except
during the Higley years, but we'll get to that in a minute). Her
mentally ill mother has recovered, so she's more emotionally whole.
She's no spring chicken anymore. Part of what made Blair so
distinctive was her raging libido and willingness to flaunt her
sexuality at the drop of a dime. Maybe it's not smiled upon to see
a woman over the age of 40 behave in such an outwardly sexual way -
I get that. Though I do wonder if that's not just a fancy way of
justifying ageism. But I digress...The point is, I'm not
advocating for Blair to put on her red dress and screw every
able-bodied stud in town just to get Todd Manning's attention. I
realize that version of Blair is gone. And I'm fine with that.
 But the
version of her currently being written by Ron Carlivati is a
disgrace to the character's history. Because never before, not even
under the abysmal vision of Dena Higley, was Blair yawn-inducing. And now, sadly, she is. But what happened to her BEFORE Carlivati
took over? What exactly did Dena Higley do to Blair? Simply, she
turned her into an object of misogyny - an example of the type of
character that would shame a feminist. Higley wrote Blair as not
only a sexual and emotional hooker, but also as a neglectful
mother. On top of that, she made her stupid. For SHAME. Higley's
hatred of Blair Cramer was so overwhelming that she succeeded in
doing something to me that few writers have ever been able to do: She turned me against one of my favorite characters. That's right -
before Higley, my favorite characters on OLTL were, in this order: Dorian, Lindsay, Todd, Blair, Viki. Now? Dorian and Viki are
pretty much the only ones still standing. Todd (while played
brilliantly by Trevor St. John), is the most loathsome creature ever
seen on daytime, Lindsay is gone (which is a crime), and Blair is a
sad Stepford remnant of her former self. Higley raped her, and made
her SO disgusting. After a year of Todd calling her a "slut" and a
"bitch" on every single episode, I started to agree with him. After
all, she was whoring around with Spencer Truman, such an obvious
psychopath, at the complete expense of her children's happiness.
Higley's Blair was repulsive on many levels, and she didn't even
know the truth when it slapped her in the face.
 I suppose Carlivati felt the need to redeem her by making her a good
mother again and not let her do anything "bad" for awhile. Either
that, or he simply isn't interested in writing for her. In my
opinion, he doesn't have a choice. Blair is central to the show. You can hate her all you want, but Blair is the mother of Starr (the
absolute future of One Life to Live), and the closest thing Dorian
has ever had to a daughter (Cassie is M.I.A., and Adriana and
Langston are jokes). Blair has integral relationships with all of
the main characters. In fact, she IS a main character. So why
then, under Ron Carlivati, is she ONLY Starr's mom? Where is Blair
the fierce competitor? Blair the seductress? Blair the
aggressor? Blair the grappler? Since I don't know how Carlivati feels about
her, I won't try to guess. All I can do is observe what is or isn't
working about the show. And Blair is NOT working.
For weeks, Blair has been standing around looking doe-eyed at John
McBain - a man with the charisma and sexual appeal of a cardboard
box and who shows only a passing, meaningless interest in Blair. John has no emotional life, lacks the ability or willingness to
communicate, shows a lack of interest in human relationships of all
kinds, including familial ones (something very important to Blair),
and seems to have no interests in life other than work, beer, and
football. He may be acting like he's in love with Marty Sayebrooke
right now, but that's only because she needs saving - and that's his
job. John does not love. John has no passion. John is just... the
black hole of daytime. Blair would not be attracted to this man! He is too boring for her! For years I despised John McBain because,
by being romantically paired with her, he RUINED the character of
Natalie. Now, Natalie is completely resurrected solely because she
has been freed from John. Similarly, being paired with John is now
sinking the already troubled ship that is Blair Cramer. And that's
really disappointing. If you remember, I was completely
enthusiastic about John/Blair. I saw sparks of chemistry and
thought a relationship between them made perfect sense. But noooooooooo. How silly of me to think John could actually work in a
romantic pairing (JoVan fans, save your breath, because I didn't
think they were that great, either). I've come to realize that John
McBain is a CURSE upon any woman he is paired with. It's time for
the writers to throw their hats into the fire and admit that John
needs to be alone, forever. Any woman he touches turns into a
crashing bore. Even a former vixen like Blair Cramer. Because
whether it's the writing or the acting, John/Michael Easton has
NEVER made me believe he loves Evangeline, Natalie, Marty, or
Blair. All I see is a bored man looking at his watch and thinking
about some police business. Zzzzzzz.
 Since when is Blair willing to be a third wheel? Since when is she
okay with unreturned phone calls, cryptic reasons for canceling
plans, and aloof conversations? Say what you want about her, but
one thing she has never been and should NEVER be is indifferent to
her own happiness and satisfaction. By "being with" John, she is
succumbing to his utterly random interest in her. Aside from the
occasional need for sex, when has John displayed ANY interest in
Blair? Oh, right - there was that time he tried to pump her for
information on Dorian's criminal activities. And that's it, folks.
By portraying her as falling for John, the writers have cut off
Blair's balls once and for all and thrown them to the dogs.
So... at the
risk of regressing the character to someone less than flattering to
her age or to the neo-feminist movement or to the institution of
motherhood or whatever... it is time to bring the BITCH back to
Llanview. I am sick and tired of seeing ONLY the good side of
Blair. Since when did she decide to become this Stepford
doppleganger? She's no fun, and she's starting to become
fast-forward material. Now that Rambo McBain has crashed through
his stupid window and found Marty, and now that everything's about
to be out in the open, I IMPLORE the writers to let Blair feel the
bitterness, the jealousy, and the rage over the fact that Todd and
John are both in love with Marty. And for Pete's sake, PLEASE let
Blair HATE Marty like she always has. Blair can be a royal bitch
and still be a loving mother. She doesn't have to be the town whore
(and she definitely shouldn't be stupid) to be a vixen. Blair needs
to see red again, and she needs to vow revenge on Todd, John, and
Marty. I want to see claws, fangs, and fire. Anything less will be
the end of Blair Cramer as a vital part of the canvas of this show.
Restart the Blair Witch Project before it's too late!
Monday,
11/3
"LET IT BREE"
 -Since they're killing
off Laura Koffman's character on AMC, maybe it's time for TPTB to
bring her back to Llanview as Cassie... but only IF they put some
thought into the complexities of what Dorian's daughter would really
be like and stop writing her as a goody two-shoes.
- It's time for
OLTL to update the opening credits. Too many long-gone faces.
- Is it me, or is
Charlie kind of a dope? He sure was dopey with Tess.
- This week's
racial insensitivity: John, a white cop, assaulting Keys, a black
man, without provocation.
- Ooh, I hadn't
yet thought about how Marty will also eventually realize Todd tried
to murder her son. Juicy!
- Why does Kathy Brier/Marcie have a new haircut and color every
time she appears on screen?
- WTF? Wasn't Nash and Jessica's home sold months ago? Why is it
still there? Wasn't it supposed to be demolished? Why does Tess
have keys to this place? I am confused about this, big time.
- OH MY GOD, the
previews are back! Hell, yeah!!!
T uesday,
11/4 "UNDER LOCK AND KEYS"
- Shitsy alert.
- TPTB are
wisely portraying Rex and Gigi as caring about Brody's well-being -
FINALLY!
- Nice to
have Addie at the hospital with Starr and Blair.
- It sure
seems to me that Starr wants to keep this baby.
- Judges,
desk duty cops, angels, bodyguards, day-players: Casting only black
actors in these walk-on roles does not constitute a diverse cast.
Just sayin'.
 - How did Rex
get to Brody's hospital? Is that a flying wheelchair he's in?
- Why has
Brody gone from 100% nuts to 0% nuts overnight? I mean, he was
flat-out hallucinating and shooting at people who don't exist. Now
he's cool, calm, collected, and apologetic? Really?
- ERGH! Langston is STILL making the "I'm taking a CRAP" face
whenever she recites her lines. Stop pooping in your pants,
Langston!
- I must say, Michael Easton's screaming and shouting today stunned
me. I didn't know he could get that riled up! It wasn't exactly
fine, nuanced acting, but at least it showed passion for once.
- But how
STUPID was John to telegraph to the law that he's "taking matters
into his own hands!?"
- Wait
just a minute...Janet/Lee just showed her face right in front of
Dorian and no one said anything. Doesn't Dorian know who Lee is? I'm confused again!!! Why isn't Janet/Lee nervous to have her face
seen, and why didn't Dorian recognize her???
Wednesday,
11-5
"GODS
AND MONSTERS"
- One can clearly see that the secret room has a bathroom, and
that bathroom has a door. WHY then, are Natalie and Jared not IN
said bathroom with said door SHUT? They could even have had sex in
the bathroom if that's their game. But WHY aren't they afraid of
the bomb?
- Shane: "So... you're my dad." Rex: "Yeah... lucky me." Why
did Rex say this sarcastically? How awful! I think JPL screwed
this line up. He should have said, "Yeah... lucky YOU." Poor
Shane!!!
- It's sick that as soon as Marty is completely whole again
physically, Todd tries to dump her or get her to leave. Definitely
some deep psychological control issues here.
- Gigi wasn't
going to visit Brody at all until Rex wanted to talk privately with
Shane? Bitch!
- The Rex/Shane
scenes were really sweet, except for that horrible line I mentioned
already.
- I must say, I
did not care for the Niki Smith scenes. In fact, I LOATHE Ron Carlivati's two attempts to write for Niki Smith. First, she's in
"heaven," which is ridiculous since she's still alive and part of Viki. Now, she's in Tess' imagination but is only kind of part-Niki. I didn't like these scenes, though a real interaction between Tess
and Viki/Niki would be worthwhile.
- Also, the Niki/Tess
scenes make no sense. If Tess really did blame Niki for everything
rather than Natalie and Jared, why then hasn't she tried to do
anything bad to Viki?
- So... David Vickers the dog got knocked up and is going into
labor... all in two weeks' time. Yeah, okay.
- Thank GOD Gigi
has apologized to Brody for her heinous actions and lies! FINALLY!
- Quite a bit of
Mitch Laurence talk today.... hmmm.
- The Tina/Cain
scenes also make NO sense. They're entertaining and funny, yes. I
will admit I burst out laughing at the silliness of it all. But...
again, I feel like Jim Reilly is writing the show.
- Natalie is for SURE going to become pregnant. I just know it!
Thursday 11/6 "BORN...
AND BORN AGAIN"
-
Janet/Lee is a cold, heartless bitch. I love her.
- Can someone PLEASE explain to me how Tina Lord has never once
noticed whether or not her dog has a penis? WTF!
- I guess the
writers figured a pregnant male dog would help to balance out the
rapist/victim "lovemaking."
- Cain: "That dog
is a slut!" HILARIOUS.
- All of the
flashback stuff with Todd remembering how Marty looked the night he
raped her... riveting. Absolutely bone-chilling!
 - A Viki/Dorian
scene! Thank you, Soap Gods!
- Why on earth would Tess call Tina to save Natalie!? She of
course should have called Viki or Bo. How ridiculous.
- Todd is such a
coward not to confess to Marty before having sex with her.
- Kristen
Alderson ROCKED Starr's delivery. I really believed she was going
through an insane amount of pain, and she was pissed off about it.
Much, much better than most daytime deliveries (Bianca on AMC just
had a baby a couple of weeks ago that made it seem like giving birth
was akin to being relieved from constipation).
- OH MY GOD, it's
Jean Randolph! Yay!!!
- Maybe Jean
could become a regular, as part of Viki's conscience... kind of like
Viki talking to herself. I'd like that.
- I had no idea
the Todd/Marty sex would be this dark and nightmarish. Very
intriguing.
- How exactly did
John fake-hang himself?
 - Janet Zarish
can out-act most actors even while wearing a surgical mask.
Unbelievable!
- This Todd/Marty
storyline, as it finally climaxes, is one of the best stories in
decades.
- Wow - Tess gave
birth fully clothed! She didn't even take her underwear off! Then,
a figment of her imagination wrapped the baby in some kind of cloth
and handed it to her. Interesting how that happens sometimes!
- Worst. Fake. Baby. Ever.
- Very realistic
birth of the dogs babies, too. No blood, no weird sounds, no dead
pups. Yep, that's how it happens.
- Thank GOD the
previews are back because they are SO effective. Then, GH airs a
Sonny/Carly commercial. GH: Really? Are you that stale?
Friday 11/7 HOW
I WISH I'D LEARN TO STOP
WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB"
- Our new President-elect, I need to tell him something: you
are not even president yet, and you are holding a press conference
at the end of the first Friday of November Sweeps. You are talking
over John McBain and Marty coming face to face. I realize some
people care about the tanking economy and such, but you must never
interrupt One Life to Live again unless it's time to run into the
nuke shelter. Got it? Feel free to interrupt GH whenever you need
to, though.
- Jared's hair
sure looks clean. That was nice of Tess to provide her prisoners
with shampoo and conditioner.
 - John McBain is
being SUCH a drama queen with his twenty-seven guns and secret sock
knives! You go, Rambo!
- I've never seen Todd so guilty as after sleeping with Marty.
- WHERE did Bess'
glasses come from?
- That minor
gripe aside, I must say that I LOVE Bess and think this plot turn is
the single most brilliant thing Ron Carlivati has done so far. Bess
is absolutely stunning, and Bree Williamson's finest moment. Her
posture and absolute simplicity (something she has never done as an
actress before) are truly riveting. This baby switch might have
seemed routine on paper, but in reality it is one of the best plot
points I have ever witnessed. The emotional ramifications of what
Bess is about to do will change the show forever. Brilliant!
- Bess' imitation of Jessica on the phone was awesome.
- John busting
through the window: Classic. (Thanks, Soapnet!)
MAIL
REPORT
"I just love reading your column! I wanted to see if you
have you noticed the crack in the glass by the door
handle for the secret room? I saw it last week, but
haven't watched this week's episodes yet, so I don't
know if it is still there." - Monica
Thanks,
Monica! I never noticed a crack, but I believe it. The "glass" in
that secret room is plastic. And that awful door... I'm sure I could
kick it down. It's completely flimsy. Sigh.
"I agree with
you they really need to bring the previews back - LIKE NOW!" -
Jennifer
Thank GOD, the
previews are BACK! This was such a wise decision from TPTB.
"I actually
felt more sympathy for Adriana during the Rex at death's door
scenes. This was based solely on the acting. Everything about Gigi
was forced." - Mary
I have to
agree, though I did NOT feel sympathy for Adriana. But Melissa
Gallo's acting stole that entire storyline. Who knew?
"Brandon Buddy
blew me away with his scenes by Marty’s gravesite. I was bawling
like a baby when he was through! You make a very good point about
his diction, etc., but by golly, that kid sure can emote! As a
long-time Starr/Cole supporter, they made me proud last week." -
Rebecca
Like I've said
before, Brandon Buddy can cry on cue, and while that's no litmus
test for acting ability, it sure helps. He needs to study
Shakespeare immediately, though, in order to conquer his speech
disability.
"Is it just me
or is Blair missing the big picture here? John is still into
Marty! He's avoiding her phone calls, he's not returning the
messages she's leaving him and he's still hunting down Marty and
dirt on Todd. I get that he's got a vendetta against Todd but this
whole thing just seems to be skimming right over the top of Blair's
pretty blond head! Look, there's a simple rule every woman should
learn and it's the rebound rule. If a man just ends a serious
relationship, or has one ended without his consent, the fact remains
that he's either going to be hung up, or remain hung up, on the
woman he didn't get a chance to solve the issues with. After that
he's going to go hunt up some tail wherever he can find
it. Proximity was the rule here and Blair was close and readily
available. The fact remains that if I were Blair I probably would've
done the same but these pathetic phone calls just make her look
well...umm...stupid! She's failing to realize that John jumped from
the relationship with Marty, which he's still clearly hung up on,
into the sack with Blair! He was on the rebound! As far as this
whole thing goes can anyone else see this taking a "Fatal
Attraction" route with Blair going after John?! It would make a more
interesting storyline... then her possibly going after Marty after
figuring out that both Todd and John are in love with her!" -
Dawn
I agree, as
you can see from my rant earlier in this column... time to bring
back Bad Girl Blair. This current version of Blair is DULL as a
doorknob, and that's a first for this character. Call it the curse
of John McBain - he is romantic poison!
"So, did you
catch how hard Charlie had to push on the shelf to move it....yet
Tess didn't have to push that hard when she needed in?! Totally
ridiculous.....beyond dumb...." - Jen
Yeah, I caught
that. Maybe Tess weighted the door somehow? Nah. Just another
example of a little something that's been missing from soaps since
the beginning of time: Continuity.
That's
it for
this week. Please
send your OLTL thoughts, complaints, suggestions, and desperate
pleas to:
Robert Iger, President of Disney (ABC Parent Company)
robert.a.iger@disney.com
Anne Sweeney, President of ABC
anne.x.sweeney@abc.com
Brian
Frons
brian.fron@abc.com
Until
next time - don't forget to feel the Craze!
Jeremy in Chicago
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JeremyInChicago@soaptownusa.com
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