Spoiler Alert:  If you carefully avoid OLTL spoilers, you will want to skip this part of the column and scroll down to the episode synopses. This week, OLTL released a plot summary/spoiler for their February sweeps. And frankly, my jaw hit the floor. I am not one to shock easily, but I was quite awed by what TPTB have in store. First of all, there will be a huge, multi-car collision on Llantano Mountain, with several injuries and at least one death. We know Stacy will die (after giving birth, of course), and TPTB are hinting that special effects were used in her death. This titillates me more than I can say. Hopefully, TPTB are rewarding us fans who despise Stacy and are cheering Crystal Hunt's exit with a gory, over-the-top, guts-splattering demise. I couldn't ask for anything more. In fact, I have never been this excited for the death of a soap character. Never. I really do have champagne chilling in the refrigerator, and I will pop it open when I see for myself that Stacy is absolutely, unequivocally dead.

But there's more... we all saw Jessica kidnapped this week (maybe if the dummy would have screamed, Viki could have at least called for help). TPTB's spoilers divulge that, frustrated with his wayward daughter's lack of father-worship, Mitch will force Jessica to undergo electro-shock treatment (!!!) after which... wait for it... Jessica will be regressed to her teenaged self. She will have no memory of her life since high school. And in fact, she will RETURN to Llanview High as a high school student (!!!). What's more, OLTL has sent out a casting call for younger versions of Jessica and Cristian. So I think we can see where TPTB are going with this (if I were Tika Sumpter, I would be slightly concerned). This could be a great way to utilize the show's history and draw in characters like Marty, Cris, Layla, and Carlotta. It could affect the returns of Kelly and Kevin. And it could even have influence on Viki/Charlie, Clint/Kim, etc. Will Jessica be devastated to "learn" of Asa's death? She won't know who Natalie is at all. She'll think she's in love with Cristian. She'll want her parents together. She'll want to lean on Kevin and Joey and her new friend, Kelly. This could be really interesting, and hopefully, a bit campy.   

Combined with the heavily rumored death of a Cramer women, and the returns of Gina Tognoni, Melissa Fumero, and Lisa Bonarrigo, I'd say OLTL is THE show to watch right now. I know I have not been this excited for a sweeps period in a very, very long time.  Kudos to Frank and Ron for "going there" and taking risks. I think it's incredibly important right now for soap writers to really push the envelope and get creative, and for their producers to let them. OLTL is leading the industry in inventive storytelling and, since AMC has made an extremely questionable hire with their new head writers (you know, the ones who were writing GL and ATWT when they were canceled!?), my fears of OLTL's cancellation have been greatly eased for the time being.

Monday, 1/18

-  I love the irony that Dorian is now stopping Charlie from drinking, after she poured vodka down his throat a couple of years back. And is it me, or was this the first time she admitted to Charlie's face that she did that?

-  I kind of cheered Roxy when she was throwing food and beverages at Gigi and Schuyler. Not because she is justified to be so judgmental of others, but because Gigi and Schuyler are severely underdeveloped, boring characters who lack intelligence and integrity. I do not care whatsoever which guy Gigi wants to have sex with. The point is that, shouldn't it be about more than that?  Gigi and Schuyler come off as two actors, however talented they may be, reciting lines and kind of just playing themselves. There is nothing unique or interesting about either character. And especially in Gigi's case (having been on the show for many years now), there is no excuse for that. We know who Jessica is. We know who Natalie is. Why don't we know (or care) who Gigi is? And Schuyler is interchangeable with any guy off the street at this point. He's certainly interchangeable with Rex. The writers really messed up by turning Schuyler into as big of a liar and coward as Rex. His integrity was the only character trait he seemed to have - now that one thing is gone. The result: Indifference.

-  Finally we got the Nora/Viki moment I've been waiting for. I knew Viki would be snarky toward Nora. But part of me found that hypocritical, thinking back to her affair with Sloan while she was married to Clint. Anyone else?

-  Stacy and Kim are so freaking stupid. The fact that they didn't put two and two together and realize that Kyle would be able to figure out that Fish could be the baby's father (before Kyle and Fish confronted them) is just amazing. Did they assume that Kyle didn't know Fish and Stacy slept together? Why weren't they doing damage control from the get-go? Oh, who cares? Stacy needs to die so that Kim can lose that part of her character that keeps her dumb and air-headed.

-  Hilarious reactions from Jessica and Natalie upon seeing their father's new "roommate." But isn't it interesting how Clint is in charge of this situation? It's very refreshing and different. 

-  Clint: "Of course I know what Kim is - I saw her coming a mile away." Jessica:  "Then why-" Clint: "Because I saw her coming a mile away." Since when did Clint become Mr. One Line Wonder? Jerry ver Dorn is getting all of the best lines lately. He's the new Tuc Watkins!

-  Note to writers: Am I really supposed to give a flying CRAP that Stacy actually has feelings for her own baby? Is that supposed to prove that she is human or something? Oh please, don't make me gag. Just kill the bitch already.

-  Already said it, but have to say it again: TPTB ruined Schuyler. I have no use for him now. In fact, I think he and Gigi should leave town together so that Rex can be freed up to become an interesting character once again. Gigi and Schuyler have a believable connection but they just aren't SOAPY. Does that make sense? 

-  I'm sick of everyone talking about Mitch's cult. WHAT cult? Why haven't we seen them or know who they are? I'm very disappointed in the lack of detail from TPTB regarding Mitch's storyline. They're writing him like a cartoon and not creating that very scary world that supports cult figures like this. That would ad so much to the storyline.

-  I'm starting to roll my eyes at the absurd number of death threats characters are making openly toward Mitch. We're either about to get another murder mystery, or we're deliberately being misled into thinking we're going to get one. I strongly hope Mitch is not killed off for third time.

-  I have never hated Stacy this much before. Probably because, after months of being on the back burner, she's on the show 4 days a week again. It's excruciating. But, there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

 

Tuesday, 1/19

-  I could watch Nigel roll his eyes at Stacy and Kim all day long!

-  Did you notice how TPTB are setting something up with Eli/Rex and Stacy's living will? This is the beginning of the custody battle over Stacy's baby. Once Rex finds out the baby isn't his, he'll have no biological claim to it. It would make sense then for Fish (once a paternity test is done) to have a legal claim to the baby. It would be difficult for TPTB to tell the story they want to tell (a gay couple struggling to achieve parental and marital equal rights) without further complication to Fish's claim to the child. The complication will come from Stacy's will. We learn later in the week that Kim rejects being the baby's Godmother.  So... here are some scenarios to mull over insofar as who will be on the opposite side of the courtroom from Fish and Kyle:

-  Schuyler. Schuyler will probably be Stacy's next choice after Kim. Schuyler will have no biological claim to the baby...but what if he were to marry the baby's biological aunt? I think Gigi will have a huge part in this storyline as her being Stacy's next of kin. For Schuyler to have a serious chance of getting this baby (if he even wanted it), he'd have to marry Gigi. Notice the writers are already setting up a rivalry between Schuyler and Kyle. Coincidence? 

-  Gigi. She'll factor in to this, I think. She'll decide she should raise her niece/nephew. But she'll have to marry someone to give the baby "stable" two-parent home to compete with Fish and Kyle. The only question is... will it be Schuyler or...

-  Rex? Rex has been led to believe this is his baby. That gives him possible rights (not as strong as biological). If Rex could claim he was the expectant father and present a united (married) front with Gigi (the baby's biological aunt), they could possibly win custody over Fish and Kyle. 

-  Schuyler and.... Rachel? This is kind of out there, but there have been rumblings that the Evans family is not long for Llanview (Hallelujah, if true) but that Rachel has a storyline coming up and is going in a new direction. Since Greg acted like a jealous caveman last week when Rachel moved in with Schuyler, I've been thinking...once Gigi learns that Schuyler's been lying to him, she may go back to Rex. But if Schuyler is on Stacy's will as next of kin, and decides he wants the baby, what if he married... Rachel? I do think there will be some sort of Schuyler/Rachel dalliance at the least (why else would TPTB move them in together?). What if Rachel agrees to raise Stacy's baby with Schuyler and falls in love with him and the baby in the process? This could be the storyline that gets Rachel out of the Greg/Shaun/boring character zone and mixes her up with the real storylines. Thoughts?

-  Another long shot: Fish's parents. What if Fish's dad decides he wants to raise his grandchild to keep him/her away from the evil homosexuals, and tries to use Fish's sexuality as a way to take the baby away from him? I doubt it would work, but it could be a beat in the storyline. 

-  So how much do you think Todd gave Starr for her birthday? My guess is $1,000.

-  Why didn't Kyle ask Fish if he used a condom with Stacy?  He just assumed they didn't.

-  I liked the Blair/Langston scenes.  Seeing Blair interact with someone other than Todd, and seeing Langston interact with someone who isn't a teenager... doubly refreshing.

-  One of the drug counselors got arrested?  Yikes.

-  Rachel's character has already improved a bit just from being in her new apartment with Schuyler and from interacting with Tea and Dani. 

-  I think it's funny that Langston is so freaked out over fantasizing about someone who clearly is like a Calvin Klein model. But the deeper issue is that Langston really wants to have sex with him, not just fantasize about him. This is why teenagers shouldn't be in serious relationships (certainly not moved in together!).  Human nature demands exploration and openness. I think Markko is in for a mighty fall.

-  The real question on my mind is this: What is the deal with Ford??? I think he's a con man of some sort. He's either working for Mitch to hurt Dorian's family through Langston, or at the least, he's a player. I don't think he's genuinely romantically interested in Langston. Do you?  I don't know what to believe. David Gregory plays Ford like a nice guy, but the writing tells me otherwise. I hope Ford doesn't turn out to be Mr. Nice Guy. That's so boring. On a side note, I think David Gregory is a HUGE asset to the show.

Wednesday, 1/20

-  Stacy:  "I'm going to die." YES!!! YES YOU ARE!  Nice foreshadowing, TPTB!!!

-  Capricorn still exits? That's news to me.

-  I love that Dani is getting an education on Todd's past on the internet... but why is she printing out a million pages? Why is she printing out full-size pictures of Marty? Is she going to make a Todd mural?

-  Love Mitch stalking Cole and Starr. Not sure why he is bothering with them, but it's enjoyable to see them squirm.

-  I had a hearty laugh when Kim turned Stacy down for being on her will.  LOL!  Now I like Kim even more.

-  When Cole pushed Mitch down, it kind of made me roll my eyes. It's hard to care about or root for characters whose only reaction to Mitch is physical violence. 

-  TPTB are working really hard to set up a Mitch murder mystery. I hope it's just a red herring because I do not want to see him killed for the third time. It gets old.

-  Langston: "What is my problem? He is just some guy with a hot body." Blair:  "Well, Langston, sometimes that's just about all you need." LOL  Leave it to Blair to encourage the next generation of Cramer women to get in touch with their inner slut. 

-  Eddie Alderson needs to stop growing. He is making me feel really, really old!  It's freaking me out.

-  The parallel between Dani and Matthew in terms of their biological paternities is really a great commonality. But why did TPTB brush it off? Matthew: "I'll tell you the story later." No, Matthew, tell her the story NOW! These two young lovebirds are great together but they need to get to KNOW each other. I hope TPTB revisit this very soon.

-  I'm confused. Starr and Langston have the same birthday? Or they're like a day apart? So they're both Aquarians, eh? 

-  Brett Claywell needs to be careful with the shouting. He shouts way too much. There are other ways to express anger and frustration other than shouting. His shouting is raspy which hurts my ears.

-  Fish and Kyle need to stop acting like soap opera princesses, marching into the Buchanan mansion to try to out-bitch Stacy and Kim (not gonna happen, especially with that raspy shouting and fake crying!). Instead, they should be hiring Eli and beginning a well thought-out legal strategy NOW to get a paternity test done. They're acting like hotheaded dummies.

Thursday, 1/21

-  Marty/Todd scenes today - yay! Jolie scenes today - boo!

-  WTF Alert: Todd asking Marty to help him get Dani to like him? Nooooooo.  Todd just turned into a freaking asshole again. Oye.

-  Methinks TPTB are setting up a future Cole/Dani bond over their mutual Todd hate. I saw a lot of foreshadowing today.

-  Mitch in his letter to Jessica, about Brody: "I'll buy you a puppy if that's all you want. He's so boring. So predictable. But you already know that, don't you? You know it won't last." Harsh. And... more foreshadowing. I think TPTB are doing a LOT of foreshadowing lately. Frankly, I like that. It's intriguing.

-  The Jolie scenes made me nauseous. The dialogue is so cheesy and cutesy-patootsy. Natalie acts like a doe-eyed moron around John, who just does his usual inexplicable tough guy accent and blank stare. I fear 2010 might be a really bad year for Natalie/Melissa Archer if something doesn't change soon.

-  The Starr/Cole scenes are even worse than the Jolie scenes. Terrible dialogue, awkward delivery, and hokey situation...four teens living in a crappy apartment with a baby, building huge playpens and filling up the entire apartment with gigantic toys for the baby...how are these unemployed kids paying rent? The whole thing is just DUMB.

-  Please tell me I did not just witness Charlie pretend to be drunk in order to get rid of Viki, so that he could continue to plan a murder with Dorian. Charlie is being a horribly shitty husband to Ms. Viki. He better not piss Viki off much more or else he's going to stumble home one of these nights to find Nikki Smith drinking all of his vodka.

-  Now my blood pressure is going through the roof. Charlie to Viki: "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Charlie is pissing me OFF. Badly.

-  The Todd/Marty scenes are a bunch of crap. Why is Todd acting like an insensitive bastard all of the sudden to Marty? Marty's reactions were completely understandable. I also think Trevor St. John played these scenes in a way that made Todd seem even more cruel and at the same time, clueless. The writers clearly established last year that Todd understood what he did to Marty. Now all of a sudden, he doesn't respect that? I really found these scenes false.

-  But I LOVED Marty's jealous comment to Jolie: "What are you guys doing here?  You're not here for couples counseling, are you?" DAMN. Now this is the side of Marty I want to see more of. And if it keeps up, I'll be cheering her on against Natalie. That's how much I turn on Natalie when she is paired with John. Talk about alter personalities. I think Jolie Natalie should qualify as an alter personality for Natalie. 

-  Kristen Alderson had a great reaction shot today when Starr found out Dani is her sister. 

-  What a lousy cop guarding Llanfair!!! Felled by a nurse with a syringe. Shameful.

Friday, 1/22

-  I love the bitchy undertones from Dani to Starr. This relationship could be really strong for the show. They develop a bond, but then Dani acts out and hurts Starr (via Cole, perhaps), and they start a kind of love/hate cycle similar to what Blair and Kelly have.

-  Something about Mitch and Brody fighting over "the women" left a bad taste in my mouth. Is Brody one of those hero characters who is inherently sexist in his heroism?

-  Why are Todd and Tea wasting their time at the LPD? They're smarter than that. And they know you can't file a missing person report when a teen is gone for one hour. Ridiculous.

-  Is Ford the only guest at the birthday party? 

-  Isn't it amazing how the Todd/Marty rape is still reverberating and affecting stories? This time, it's Dani/Starr.

-  Note to Jessica: If a mysterious nurse who looks like Marcie McBain on steroids appears out of nowhere in your family room wielding a syringe, it is probably in your best interest to scream and/or run rather than calmly allow the stranger to inject you with the contents of the syringe. Once again, Jessica Buchanan sets a new standard for morons of the world. 

-  I was somewhat surprised by this, but I found the Langston/Ford kiss kind of hot. However, I definitely think (and hope) Ford is working an angle with her. I think they're going to have sex and then Ford will be done with her. Langston will be ruined. Markko will dump her. I don't know where it's all headed after that, but that's the direction I'm sensing now. I hope TPTB don't think Langston/Ford is a viable long-term couple. They're not. But for now, it's certainly helping the terribly boring stasis of the teen set.