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UPDATED 10-26-09
CRAZE
WARNING: Low on Fuel
My mail box
is full of complaints as many bored, exhausted fans of OLTL are
starting to sound defeated and indifferent.
 Once
again, I'm totally uninspired to write about any particular topic
this week. I came close to writing an entire column about how much I
now despise Blair Cramer (a character who used to rank among my
favorite on any show), but I realized there was no point and that
just about everyone else seems to hate her, too. For me, the decline
of the formerly fierce Blair into annoyingness is symbolic of the
entire show, which has become uneventful, repetitive, and
grating. I'm truly shocked by the lack of action and imagination on
my screen over the past several weeks. The only real event that
happened in the past month was Tea pushing Blair out of the window.
But we saw that same thing ten years ago (only reversed), when
Blair/Todd/Tea was actually a good triangle. Going through my mail
this week, I realized that most of my readers are feeling as bored
and frustrated as I am. The mail is overwhelmingly negative on the
show right now. I think we have all tired of the lackadaisical and
truly lifeless writing. The craziest aspect of my recent mail though
has been the realization that a huge portion of my regular
readers/writers are people who have already stopped watching One
Life to Live but continue to read my column and correspond with me
about their frustrations with the show's failure. Some are reading
my column each week hoping to hear me say, "The show is great again
- check it out!" But my reply to them is, "Don't bother." It's
really sad because I would like very much to bring lost viewers back
into the fold. But the show right now is verging on unwatchable. I
cannot earnestly recommend it to anyone. This is not the time for
the disenfranchised viewers to return home. However, if you are a
former GH or DAYS follower, I do suggest programming your DVR's -
stat.
I'm afraid it's time for the network to consider the leadership
roles at OLTL and the creative output associated with people in
those roles. Ron Carlivati has been head writer for a long enough
period now to be judged. Though he's had moments of controversial
if not quixotic brilliance, overall I think he's failed. He's
failed the fans. His stories are utter copycats and rehashing of
past triangles and events. Look at Mendorra. Look at
Tea/Todd/Blair. Look at the beginnings of Jolie Part 3. The
stories that are new, such as Kyle/Fish, Nick/Dorian/Amelia, and Gigi/Stacy/Rex/Kim/Schuyler, revolve around unestablished newbies
played by subpar actors and feature writing that dumbs down even the
lowest common denominator of Soap Opera Storytelling 101 (see the
entire Stacy storyline, a.k.a. "bag of blood," the subsequent
lobotomy of Rex Balsom, and the current lobotomy of Dorian Lord
which is a travesty). If Ron Carlivati had a vision for Llanview,
then we can only assume that's what is playing out before us now. Under that assumption, Carlivati's vision for OLTL is proving a
nightmare for the fans.
 This week, I
tuned in to Days of Our Lives again since the forthcoming return of
Lois Sorel is not something I would miss. I am stunned by how good
it is, even though I have no idea who any of the Salem teens are. As for General Hospital, it has never been better. It is a
tightly-oiled machine cranking out riveting action (and acting) on a
daily basis. By comparison, watching OLTL has become a chore. If
it were not for my duties to this column, I would have
fast-forwarded the entire show this week. I've tried to be fair. I've rooted for the show in the face of mounting criticisms. I've
sung the praises of TPTB in the past when warranted. But I am
starting to find the show consistently painful and nearing the point
of being indefensible. Watching Robin Strasser forced to play
Dorian as though she is brain damaged and tacky is a truly hideous
affront. Erika Slezak is on once a week, if we're lucky. She is
not even present in her own supposed "storyline." Blair has been
turned into the single most disgusting and loathsome character on
the show. She is like a 50 year old Stacy Morasco. I have actually
started to fantasize about her being gruesomely killed off. That's
such a disgrace because she is traditionally one of the best
characters from the show's history. Carlivati isn't the only one to
blame for her downfall, but he hasn't done her any service. Tea -
formerly all fire and strength - has been reduced to an emotionally
stunted liar. Todd has been morphed into the biggest idiot in town,
believing the rubbish spewing forth from Blair's mouth and proving
his love for Tea to be nothing more than fickle illusion. Making
matters
 worse, Tea now magically has a daughter who wasn't yet alive
when Jack was born, but who is now twice as old as Jack. Then
there's a bunch of whiny gay men running around making a mockery of
marriage during a time when the gay rights movement is actually
trying to earn the right to marry. Yet, OLTL is depicting gay marriage as a joke. Gay relationships are being portrayed as an
even bigger joke because they seem to hinge solely on the idea of
(not-even-legal) marriage. There's nothing about the actual
relationships here - it's all plot points. Perhaps the cruelest
joke is on Robin Strasser, because Dorian's brain has been turned
into mush. Dorian would never, ever pretend to be a lesbian
and cut herself off to her real romantic prospects while running for
a high powered position. She'd be out meeting all sorts of rich men
or at the very least, using David as her accessory. Dorian's sudden
inability to see the lack of logic in her choices and her
inexplicable deference to a complete stranger (Amelia) in place of
her own ability to scheme and plot proves that Ron Carlivati does
not understand the character he claims is his favorite. This I find
shocking. Oh, and let's not forget about the Evans family as they
continue to stink up the screen in a half-boiled attempt to make
that crashing bore, Rachel, interesting. I'm afraid the chances of
Rachel ever entertaining someone are about as hopeless as some of
the acting involved in that torturous storyline.
One Life to
Live is losing this life long viewer's interest. It's happening
slowly and painfully. I guess this is the most succinct way to
voice my complaints: There is nothing exciting happening in Llanview. If the show is going to be populated by hair models, then
at least have the hair models do something outrageous. Watching
Stacy and Kim sit at Rodi's and comment on a conversation Gigi and
Schuyler are
 having twenty feet away is not drama. It's actually a
waste of time. Yet day after day, this is what we're being spoon
fed. The Blair/Todd/Tea triangle is tragically bad despite fine
acting. The Greg/Rachel/Shaun story is the type of crap I'd like to
throw rotten fruit at. Dorian's storyline is the worst in her
entire history and a blight upon gay people the world over. Salem
and Port Charles have really mind-boggling scenes every single day. OLTL does not. It has a bunch of filler and fluff and frankly,
garbage. That's my opinion and it seems I'm not alone. I get
letters every week from smart, long term OLTL viewers who are losing
all interest in the show because of how bad the storytelling and
casting are. It's not because of what's happening in the industry. GH and DAYS are proof of that - they are two of the best shows on
television right now. OLTL is failing because of its leadership and
its wildly inconsistent cast - half-talented and half-not. TPTB
need to assess the stories and realize they are all (with the
exception of Bo/Nora and perhaps Gigi/Schuyler) huge blunders. I'm
sorry if this is cold and harsh, but unless TPTB really do want the
show to be canceled, they better step up or else step aside.
Monday,
10/19: "THE BORN IDENTITY"
- I'd say
it's refreshing to see Starr and Cole actually getting their own
scenes (minus Hope, Langston, and Markko), but they are so freaking
boring that instead I just have to roll my eyes and wonder why these
two once-romantic and angst teens were saddled with a boring old
baby and turned into asexual, perfect little do-gooders. Starr
Manning, R.I.P. We miss you.
- Honestly? Cris Vega is cooking for a restaurant, fully
visible from the
dining area, in a sleeveless shirt and with no hair net or
anything. And Layla is just hanging out with him and then making
out with him. That diner needs to be shuttered by the Llanview
health inspectors.
 - Okay,
Pamela Stuart is dead. That's kind of interesting, but then there
was no explanation for the rest of the week. It's like, "Hey, let's
kill off another character from the show's past just for the hell of
it." R.I.P., Pamela.
- Natalie put
her hands all over Pamela's blood and then just left them that way
for the rest of the episode. Umm... might want to wash your hands,
Nat.
- Blair is
such a bitch. She's not mad at John for dumping her ass for that
spinster, Marty. But she takes it out on poor Marty and calls her a
"husband stealer?" Hey Blair - why don't you try being mad at John
for marrying you without loving you and dumping you two weeks later
for a woman he has no chemistry with? Yeah, try that. When I think
of the Blair/John/Marty/Todd quadrangle that never happened, it
makes me want to scream.
- Cole
and Starr are talking about... the environment? Oh, please.
Someone needs to throw Starr down some more stairs and shove some
more pills down Cole's throat because these are some B.A.T.'s. That's Boring Ass Teens!
- Ladies and
Gentleman! Step right up and into the Buenos Dias kitchen! Taste
our food before we serve it to the three customers sitting off
camera. Catch the sights as Cris Vega cooks mole in only his
underwear while reading "How to Tell Your Parents You're Gay!" Hang
out with Markko as he flips pancakes in between shooting pornos. Stay for dessert and catch up with the proud Latino voters of Llanview who are partial to lesbian candidates. The Buenos Dias -
just a regular diner.
- NuCarlotta
alert! Okay, the NuCarlotta/Tea scenes were good. Very nice
rapport, ladies. Patricia who?
 - The Cris/Layla
kiss with condensed milk was kinda hot.
- Yep, I knew
Ross and Elijah were brothers. Good call, TPTB.
- I'd really
like to see Marty find a way to get Tea/Blair's secret to Todd
without getting caught.
- Why aren't
Blair and Dorian planning a lawsuit against whoever manufactured
their windows?
- Great
directorial work on the music montage today. Layla stared at Cris
through a window as the lyric read something about "through a
window." Close up on Blair thinking about Todd on the lyric "am I
still the one?" (hey, Blair - that's a "no"). Then Natalie in the
cabin, wondering where Jared is, to the lyric, "are you sorry?"
Very nice.
Tuesday,
10/20: "LONDON CALLING"
- The entire
Evans family is working my last nerve. The parents are such
cardboard cut-outs (the mother is a fine actress, but what good is
that when the character is one-dimensional?).
- Excuse me,
but Langston and Starr were given the day off (a month into their
senior year of high school) to volunteer at a homeless shelter? Give me a break! And they're just hanging out at home. Yeah,
that's what high school is like.
- Why isn't
Destiny in school? We know it's a school day so why isn't she
there?
 - Natalie is
throwing tantrums. That's Jolie Natalie coming through. This is
scary.
- And don't
you love (not!) how the writers are forcefully reminding us of how
well John and Natalie "know" one another? To paraphrase... Natalie
says: "Oh, John always listens to his instincts!" Yeah, his
instincts to treat women like aliens. Then John: "Natalie doesn't
like being scared." Oooh, you know her so well, John! Because
unlike most people who enjoy being scared, Natalie simply does not
care for it.
- Bo and Nora
are going to turn Matthew into a little Michael Corinthos anger boy
if they aren't careful. I love the dysfunction, though.
- This mass
gay wedding story is freaking RETARDED. First of all, the weddings
will not be legal and are obviously just symbolic. I think that the
gay couples participating in this are only reinforcing the idea that
gay marriages "aren't real." So it doesn't make sense from that
perspective. Fight for the legislation, don't have a mock wedding
which kind of sends the message that you already got married. Then
there is nothing left to fight for. Secondly, Kyle and Nick's
ridiculous engagement reinforces the idea that gay relationships are
fickle and silly. Amelia's make believe engagement to Dorian paints
lesbians as manipulative, hard, and cold. Seriously, the GPTB
(that's Gay Powers That Be) should be ashamed of themselves. I fail
to see the point of bringing on gay characters if their stories are
so offensively regressive. Tacky!
 - Okay, today
the Evans parents officially pissed me off. They are so obnoxious
in the way they presume to speak for Rachel's feelings about Shaun. How the hell do they know how Rachel feels? And can Mr. Evans
please stop smiling so hard and playing every line like he's on
happy juice?
- When is the
show going to acknowledge that Rachel and Shaun have never even
kissed!?!?!? What is this, junior high? Rachel is "Shaun's woman"
because she went out on two dates with him? This story is the
epitome of stupidity.
- Momma Evans
just slapped the shit out of Greg's face. That was pretty
entertaining. But even though I've wanted to slap Greg's cheeks
before, I think Mrs. Evans just revealed herself as a crazy
lunatic. She would rather see Shaun with a woman who doesn't love
him and Greg miserable - why, exactly? Because Shaun has a boo-boo
on his head? Ugh.
- Thanks,
writers, for turning the only appealing character in the gay
storyline (Nick) into a brain-dead idiot. Nick to Kyle: "Don't you
believe in gay marriage?" What the hell does that have to do with
anything? If Kyle believed in marriage, gay or otherwise, maybe
he'd take it more seriously and not agree to marry someone three
weeks after meeting them. My anger toward this storyline is
building to a really high level. I hate it.
- Horrible,
horrible episode that made me question my sanity for watching this
show. Sorry.
Wednesday,
10/21: "CONNUBIAL BLISS"
 - Jack is the
best character on the show, period.
- I like
Elijah okay, but he needs more character definition.
- I was once
a HUGE David/Dorian fan. They were probably the last super couple
on the show. Unfortunately, I no longer find them a good match. I
will always appreciate Tuc Watkins' talent, but he is no longer the
right romantic partner for La Strasser. They're more like Vivian
and Ivan from the olden Days. Not feelin' a romance repeat for
them. Paging Ray Montez.
- Does anyone
remember if Tea and Ross had sex on the island? I don't think they
did.
- I'm so sure
Tea didn't know about Elijah even though she was married to Ross for
like 8 years. Please.
- Elijah to
Jack: "Ooh, what are you going to do? Hit me?" Jack: "No. I'll
just call security and tell them you were trying to kiss me." WHAT???
- OMG Alert:
Jack exclaims, "I need a drink!"
- When did
Gigi become the smartest and most sensible character on the show?
Her idea for couples' counseling is so unconventional for a soap
couple. I don't think anyone's ever thought of that one before.
- The gay
story is taking Dorian too far away from her essence. This isn't
the kind of passive, nonsensical scheming she should be doing. More
liquor down Charlie's throat and less lesbian charades, please.
 - Roxy
reminds me of yoda with her one eye squinting.
- At least
the writers finally figured out a way to use Susan Haskell - have
other characters use Marty's psychological services.
- Loved Tea's
little tantrum at the hospital. "He isn't her husband - he's
mine!" Then she knocked a bunch of medical supplies over and looked
at that poor nurse like she was going to chew her face off. The
story might stink, but Florencia Lozano is a true powerhouse.
- How
pathetic is Todd for falling so easily into Blair's web of lies. I
think even a fly could see through that web.
Thursday,
10/22: "NO TEXTS, PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH"
- Stupid
title.
- I like
Rachel's hair better pulled back like it is today.
- Stacy and
Kim are cockroaches, parasites, and viruses. They are lice.
- Why doesn't
Rachel buck up and dump Shaun's ass now that he's awake. The Evans
family is treating her like a damn prisoner.
 - I thought
Todd knew Blair well enough to know when she is lying. Guess not.
- Shouldn't
Natalie be a bit more concerned about where Jared is and if he's
even still alive or safe rather than just whether or not he's guilty
in these murders? If she thinks he's innocent, then isn't she
wondering if maybe he's been taken prisoner by the real murderer?
- Todd said
"Thank God" he never had a kid with Tea, even though he loves and
accepts his child with Margaret Cochran. Tea deserves way better
than Todd.
- Oh no. I
think I am going to have to keep a bed pan next to the couch because
when Kim hits on Bo I am going to be sick. Hopefully her interest
in Bo will quickly subside to an interest in David. If TPTB allow
Bo to so much as give Kim a sideways glance, I will vomit.
Friday,
10/23: "MATTHEW, COME HOME"
- I just
noticed today that Blair and Todd look like brother and sister.
- Why has
Destiny been wearing a yellow fish net on her head all week?
- Jessica's
daughter Bree frightens me. That little girl is a psycho waiting to
happen. Poor thing.
- Blair is a
whore. Just sayin'.
 - Liking the
brotherly banter between Ross and Elijah.
- Brody looks
odd in a cop uniform. Where is his grey sweat suit?
- Could
Rachel at least pretend to be interested in Tea's child? Robot
Rachel: "Is. It. A. Boy. Or... A. Girl?"
- Where did
they find the "actress" to play Brody's sister? Yikes.
- Today Blair
crossed into a new realm of hateability when she told Todd that
Tea's engagement to Todd was just to scam him out of money. Um, no
Blair - that was you who married Todd just to scam him out of
his inheritance. Then Todd then crossed right over that same line
by believing Blair. Oye, the writers sure do know how to ruin
characters, don't they?
- Why is Tea
calling out for Todd? Doesn't she know La Boulaie is sound proof?
 **MAIL
REPORT**
"Honestly Jeremy, after today I may be done with OLTL for a
while. It is a sad day when even a TnT child can't keep me watching,
because I feel nauseated watching Todd become a Rex-ian idiot. For
him to actually believe that Tea was trying to manipulate him for
money, when the information is coming from Blair of all people, is
just too sickening to watch." - Krista
I could not
agree more. It is absolutely disgusting and worse; it's boring.
"Considering that
Daniella was apparently conceived AFTER Ross was hired by Todd
(2002) to kidnap Starr & JACK--and characters have stated that Jack
was kidnapped with Starr, how can TITC rationalize Daniella being
OLDER than Jack? SORASing is a given these days, but TIIC are just
being sloppy. More than one character has mentioned that Jack was
part of the kidnap plot, yet now a child conceived right around that
time is considerably OLDER than Jack?" - Duchess
Duchess is
right. This is very sloppy and jarring. Daniella should be, at most,
about six years old. Give me a break!
"I can't even
pretend to be interested in whatever is going on in Llanview (except
for Layla and Cristian). However I caught a couple of episodes of GH
and boy has that show improved!! I am absolutely loving Johnny and
Dante. OLTL should have such appealing young actors. I'm even liking
Lulu again. Young Michael is wonderful also. Now if Alexis could get
a boyfriend who is not a criminal or a psycho, that would be lovely.
Nancy Lee Grahn deserves better, she can do more than play Mom. I
wonder if Dena Higley will have the last laugh since DOOL has
blossomed once again. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't the best fit
for OLTL but she was responsible for my Tangeline so she'll holds a
warm place in my heart for that if nothing else. Meanwhile OLTL
seems to be sinking further down in the ratings. GH has intelligent,
charismatic young characters while OLTL has Stacy and Kim - what's
wrong with this picture?" - Jean
Something is
VERY wrong with this picture! It's really shocking to me that Kim is
getting her own story and soap journalists are acting like she is
the best thing since Dorian Lord. Seriously, people - wake up and
smell the coffee! Jean is dead right - GH has such amazing young
actors. OLTL has a weak cast comparatively. Watching scenes with
Kim and Stacy are the soap industry's equivalent of Chinese water
torture. GH and DAYS are both on fire right now. I am reprogramming
my TiVo to pick DAYS up again thanks to Louis Sorel's return. OLTL
needs to follow GH and DAYS' example and start making the fans
happy, or they will have no one but themselves to blame when the
show is canceled. If I wasn't writing the column, I'd be
fast-forwarding almost all of OLTL these past few weeks. It is
dreadful. I hate to say it, but I think it's time for a new head
writer and/or producer. It's a stinking failure.
"Please let the
rumors about Natalie leaving town with Jared be true. Not a Natalie
fan at all and I just can’t stomach Jolie again – EVER!" - Cindy
This rumor is
picking up steam - that Jared's death will be faked and he will
briefly return to whisk Natalie out of town and into protective
hiding. I don't think that makes any sense at all. But OLTL isn't
making much sense these days. I don't want to see Natalie go
anywhere, but it may be preferable to having to watch her turned
into John's bitch again.
"I officially
despise Nora now. I've never liked her, but kidnapping Matthew
because she lost, just to get her own way - ignoring the wishes of
the court when she is the DA is beyond hypocritical. I find myself
screaming unprintable language at the TV when I see her now. I hope
Matthew figures out some way to get away from this horrible woman.
She's the real villain on OLTL right now." - Ted
Historically, I
think I hated Nora more than any other character on the show. I
mean, I HATED her. But now that my favorite bitch Lindsay is gone
(boo, hiss), Nora doesn't really offend me anymore. In fact, I've
found myself liking her for the first time. I thought she was
forgiving and reasonable during the Cole/Matthew story. True, she
and Bo are being hypocritical right now. I'd say it's quite a
stretch to imagine they'd participate in something illegal like this
or openly disobey the court system they both supposedly work for.
But it doesn't offend me because of the situation with Greg
Evans. If I were in Nora's position, I might kidnap Matthew at least
until I knew he wasn't rushing in to some dangerous surgery with an
unqualified surgeon.
"I have to say I
am hating this Dorian turned gay to get the vote. Is the majority of
the population in Lanview gay? I don't care if anyone is gay or not,
but what gets me is this stupid course this storyline is taking." -
Glynis
I'm with Glynis
on this one. I hate the gay story. It's just about as sophisticated
as dog food. Dorian pretending to be a lesbian makes absolutely no
sense on any level whatsoever. There is no logic or reason behind
it. It is terrible, indulgent, dishonest writing.
"Is Matthew
leaving, with him going to school in England and the kid having a
movie career - is he leaving? And Is he going to HOGWARTS? That
would boost rating (sic) Matthew Buchanan and the sorcerer's
stone?" - Dave
Eddie Alderson
isn't going anywhere. He is practically the lead on the show
nowadays. I happen to think TPTB are fools for NOT doing a Harry
Potter rip off. They should turn John into a vampire and have
Matthew turn into a wizard. Ratings would skyrocket. And perhaps
the show would be entertaining in some fashion. Besides, Voldemort
is returning so we need a Harry (By "Voldemort," I mean Mitch).
That's it for
this week. Please send your OLTL thoughts, complaints,
suggestions, and desperate pleas to:
Robert Iger,
President of Disney (ABC Parent Company)
robert.a.iger@disney.com
Anne Sweeney,
President of Disney-ABC
anne.x.sweeney@abc.com
Brian Frons,
ABC Daytime President
500 S. Buena
Vista St.
Burbank, CA
91521-4551
Brian.Frons@abc.com
Frank
Valentini (Executive Producer)
C/O One Life
to Live ABC Daytime
77 West 66th
Street
New York, NY
10023
frank.valentini@abc.com
Ron Carlivati
(Head Writer)
C/O One Life
to Live ABC Daytime
77 West 66th
Street
New York, NY
10023
rcarlivati@yahoo.com
ABC Comment
Line: 323-671-4583
OLTL Viewer
Comment Line: 212-456-3338
ABC Daytime
Feedback Line: 212-456-7777
Thanks for
reading, and don't forget to e-mail me. PLEASE include your name or
an alias in case I choose to print your comments!
Until next time - don't forget to feel the Craze!
Jeremy in Chicago
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JeremyInChicago@soaptownusa.com
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