UPDATED 3-31-08

CRAZE

Something in the Water

Last week, Llanview's water supply must have been tainted with
germs that cause bitchiness, hot-headedness, and overall
irrational behavior.

Two characters really demanded my attention this week. Two characters kept tugging at my brain and crying out, "Look, the writers finally got it right!" And those two previously dull characters are Adriana Cramer and Clint Buchanan. In the case of Clint Buchanan, a difficult recast in Jerry Ver Dorn that never quite worked has finally cemented. Not that Ver Dorn ever lacked gravitas in his acting chops, but I never actually bought that he was Clint Buchanan. I kept thinking to myself, "maybe they should not have recast this role." Clint Ritchie was never a favorite of mine, but there's no denying that his face and the name Clint Buchanan were, for decades, synonymous. He gave Clint a certain gruffness and cowboy authenticity that Ver Dorn could not match. Ver Dorn's Clint was written as an old-fashioned moralist who treated Viki like dog crap (to the point where he came off as sexist) and then dated a woman the "real" Clint would never have turned to in Dorian. TPTB's decision to pair up Clint and Dorian may have seemed interesting at first, but it was actually the epitome of lazy writing. It was done solely to give the illusion that Viki and Dorian's feud needed a man to keep it fired up - even if the man in question would never put himself in that position again. Jerry Ver Dorn was acceptable as an acting partner for Erika Slezak and Robin Strasser, but the character he was playing wasn't Clint. It was Pod Clint. The "real" Clint would never have allowed himself to be ping-ponged back and forth between Viki and Dorian, two women whose feud he knows as well as the back of his own palm. The "real" Clint would have said "no thanks" and moved right along. Ver Dorn's Clint became a rather pathetic and uninteresting sap highly unfit to be called a patriarch of the Buchanan family. 

Which is why killing off Asa Buchanan was one of the best decisions to be made so far during Frank Valentini's tenure as executive producer. As sad as it was to see Phil Carey go, Asa had already stopped mattering beyond being the sometime grandfatherly comfort to "Jessie" or Matthew. Asa's decline coincided with a complete lack of storyline inclusion where Buchanan Enterprises was concerned. Bo was the closest thing to a central figure or glue in the Buchanan family. Bo's great, but he is peripheral where Asa's business is concerned. Clint was a lame duck, and the rest of the good ol' boys (Cord, Kevin, Joey) had long since disappeared overseas. Now, several months after Asa's death and the foreshadow scenes of conflicting nature between brothers Clint and Bo, the Buchanan family has risen from the ashes and returned to the show's core. At the helm, none other than Clint. Though the object of an obvious campaign by the writers to make him seem more like Asa, Clint has nonetheless been smoothly transitioned into a believable tycoon. This man, who previously served no purpose beyond being a father and boyfriend, is now suddenly responsible for the survival of his entire family and the legacy of his father. We've seen his alliance with devious Lindsay grow as his blossoming relationship with moralistic Nora fails to launch. Just weeks into this transition, Clint is already able to identify more with Lindsay, who may be the only woman (besides Dorian, ironically) capable of accepting him on a moral level. Even brother Bo is kept in the dark because he is too judgmental to accept the Tycoon Clint. In the coming weeks, Lindsay and Clint will probably find themselves on the outside looking in when Bo and Nora realize they share the same moral high ground that Lindsay and former husband Clint simply cannot live up to. At this point in his character's journey, Clint could even get back together with Dorian (if it wasn't for the little fact that she is probably the one behind the Buchanan takeover attempts and has always been one of the family's worst enemies). This Clint wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole - but not because he is morally above her, as before - but because she is an enemy of the family.  Lindsay is a different story... or is she? 

And what of Dorian's squeaky clean and perpetually boring daughter, Adriana? Since Melissa Fumero will be last seen during May Sweeps, the writers had a decision to make as to how to write the character off. Rather than kill her (which would have been cheered by many), the writers did something (unwittingly?) wise: They began a gimmicky but much-needed transformation for the character into a complete and utter soap bitch. And for the first time - EVER - the character popped and Melissa Fumero seemed alive and in her element. Now I hate to say "I told you so," but I've been calling for Adriana to be turned into a bitch (a la Jen Rappaport many years ago) for a long, long time. And I was right. I realize we'll only have her around for another five weeks or so, but at least she'll go out with a bang. My prediction?  She'll find out definitively that Shane is Rex's son, and she'll force Dorian to make sure Rex never finds out. But Gigi will tell Rex at his wedding to Adriana, who will be exposed for the deceitful bitch that she is before dumping Dorian as a mother and moving permanently to Paris. It's a perfect sweeps event, because it changes Rex's entire life I think the journey to that point will be far more entertaining than I would have previously thought, after seeing the delightfully soapy bitch-fest between Gigi and Adriana this week. These two ladies have that genuine "soap bitch" chemistry that is generally what makes these shows tick. I'm actually sort of proud of Melissa Fumero but rather exasperated that the writers and producers of this show took so damn LONG to make her character the TRUE daughter of Dorian Lord. The Adriana Cramer they created for so many years was a sorry excuse for a soap character, especially in light of the fact that Dorian Lord is her mother and an evil crime lord was her father. Surely this chick is hell on wheels waiting to happen. Hopefully in a few months or a year or so, Adriana will roar back into town with a new face and an even nastier agenda. Adriana needs to pick up Dorian's legacy and start a feud with Jessica and Natalie that can live up to the history between Viki and Dorian.  Screwing up Rex's life is a pretty good way to start, I'd say, since he is now part of Viki's family in a way.

But there must be something in the water in Llanview this week, because Clint and Adriana aren't the only ones suddenly acting like they have ten-foot poles up their butts. What about Mr. Hot Head himself, Antonio Vega? Not that we haven't seen this version of Antonio before - we have. But it's been awhile. Even when he was treating Jessica and Nash with precision coldness last year, at least his position could be completely justified. But the tired, Latin hot-head stereotype he is once again embracing stems from two things: losing his mobular fortune, and seeing his piece of lady meat (that's how he thinks of her, not how I do) flirting with another man. Antonio can whine and moan all he wants about wanting Jamie to have a secure future, but clearly, he is just pissed off that he isn't rich anymore. Who can blame him, really? But his immediate worship of Lee Ramsey and disdain for friend John and girlfriend Talia speaks to the mental illness that's always festered inside this whiney man child. If you are incapable of seeing your "woman" (a woman who, up until only a few weeks ago, you rejected in cruel and dismissive fashion) even talk to another man (who happens to be one of your best friends and someone you supposedly trust) while at WORK, no less, then you are a very emotionally stunted and sad creature. The fact that Antonio blames John and Talia for getting along and defends Ramsey, speaks to his rather obvious lack of intelligence as well as security. It would not take Albert Einstein to figure out that Ramsey is playing Antonio off of John for personal reasons. Some detective you are, Antonio. 

And what about Jessica and Cristian? They drank something fishy this week, too.  Suddenly, they are suspicious of Nash and Sarah because they are going on a business trip together. Huh? Aside from the total inanity of this storyline (Nash hires Sarah who has no experience to do...what exactly?), there is no spark or chemistry between Nash and Sarah. What's funny though is Cristian's (again, racially stereotypical) inability to trust a woman or allow her to do anything independently of him. As soon as Sarah had an idea of her own, Cris seemed like a puppy dog whose bone had been thrown into the ocean. Between David Fumero's phoning-it-in acting and the way Cris is written, it's amazing to me that the character is still on the show. It's even more amazing that he is suddenly being paired up with high school love Jessica, who is also inexplicably jealous of Nash's independence and ambition where his vineyard is concerned. It's funny how Jessica ran away for a year, did heroin, got hepatitis, slept with a dozen or more men, double-timed her brand new husband, divorced and remarried...and now just wants to lie in bed all day and look at photographs of her infant daughter and have quality "family time" with her husband, who is working his ass off to make some money despite the fact that Jessica has offered up her fortune for him to live off of. Apparently, Jessica wasn't fooling around and really did wish Nash would not work. Now she's pouting that he is doing something that doesn't directly involve her. Really? It looks like the writers drank something funny too, because apparently core characters like Jessica can be rewritten to suit whatever sorry configuration the writers want to explore in order to keep certain cast members happy. Note to writers:  Cris/Jessica and Nash/Sarah aren't going to work any better than Cris/Sarah or Jessica/Nash. If you must write for these wastes of characters, then please do something that doesn't insult our intelligence or bore the pants off of us.  Thank you.

RANDOMNESS

-  Loved Dorian's "correct" pronunciation of Gigi's name.
-  I loved how Gigi put Layla in her place, who ran off like a dog with her tail in between her legs.
-  How creepy is it that anybody can look into Rex's apartment from his kitchen windows? What's up with that? 
-  I loved Adriana's emotional blackmailing of her mother. This is a true Cramer woman.
-  Isn't it time Lee Ramsey got himself a woman?
-  Who is that on the other end of the phone line with Lee? Could it be Carlo Hesser?
-  Wait - ARE Nora and Clint having sex or not? I'm confused.
-  This week we got the first real clue that Charlie really might be Rex's dad. Yes!
-  But then WHAT is Allison's secret? And is it true that Mitch is coming back?
-  And what of that crazy rumor that Lee Ramsey is really Spencer Truman?
-  I don't think that's true... but could Mitch be the person Lee keeps calling? 
-  Why did Adriana show Gigi how insecure she was? Why not act nice to her face and scheme behind her back?
-  Won't Gigi now see that Rex is marrying a bitch and feel less guilty about interfering with them?
-  But...it was really smart of Adriana to tell Rex she went to see Gigi. Good way to cover your tracks, girl.
-  I'm really loving Clint's nasty new behavior.
-  Am I really supposed to feel sorry for Marcie? Go write another book, you lazy biatch!
-  Why doesn't Marcie just sing somewhere? She's better than Blair, that's for sure.
-  Clint about his blackmailing: "I did what I had to do." Bo: "Yeah... but you didn't have to enjoy it." Best line of the week.
-  Am I nuts or do Gigi and Markko look like they could be sister and brother?  Hmmm...
-  Every time Nash was on the show this week, I wished he would get killed off. Or at the very least, cut off that nasty hair. 
-  Who cares about Nash's stupid vineyard? Not me. Get this non-storyline over with, and fast!
-  I get nervous when Blair is alone with Markko or Cole. She's bound to seduce them at some point!
-  For some reason, Beth Ann Bonner is just not popping off the screen as Talia. It's just not really working.
-  Talia, Nash, Cris, and Sarah could all die in an explosion and the show would be better off.
-  Are we REALLY revisiting Clint/Viki?  Nooooooooooooooooo!
-  Clint is juggling Lindsay, Nora, Viki, and Dorian. Is he really that big of a pimp?
-  Hunt Block cracked me UP during Talia and Antonio's nasty fight. His looks were priceless.
-  I have a feeling Lee will turn out to be a "good guy."
-  Finally Addie popped up, and apparently while she was gone she got a degree in psychotherapy! 
-  Antonio is sexually harassing Talia at the workplace. This is ridiculous!
-  Why can't Nigel have a personal life? He is more like a slave to the Buchanan's than a butler.



GUEST RANT by Harry

First of all, great column this week. I can't wait to see how this pregnancy story is gonna play out and I actually like some of your scenarios. That said, I'm going to give one of the most unpopular and controversial opinions out there: Todd's the most likable person in this storyline for me. He was way out of line for beating up Markko and Cole. That was scary...I even had to take Starr and Cole's side for second there. But only for a second. There's no doubt here that Todd was wrong but my God, everybody else is soooo annoying!

First we have Blair, or I guess FauxBlair. The Blair Cramer I know wouldn't be this weak or Stepford Wife-ish. It's sad to watch. Just when I think she's getting her back bone back by putting her foot down (finally!) on the Hawaii move. My hopes for her were dashed when she turned back into the weak, passive woman she's been for a long time now. It was so sick and pathetic to see FauxBlair throwing herself at Todd. I was torn between laughing and throwing up. Here she was throwing herself at him and he blew her off to get a drink. The only interest he had in having sex with her came when he got into his head that he wanted to do it on Dorian's couch. Not even her calling him 'big boy' (I vomited in my mouth on that one) turned him on as much as that. So are the writers saying Todd's just not that into FauxBlair and only wants her for cheap thrills like doing her on her aunt's furniture? Whatever they're doing, they're making FauxBlair pathetic, weak, and unlikable.

Then we have Cole. I still don't think Brandon Buddy can act. In my opinion, his 'acting' range goes from dead to the world to overzealous. Eddie Alderson (Matthew) acts circles around him. Because of that, I don't care about Cole. And why should I? Sure he got beat up by his girlfriend's dad. But isn't that just a little bit of payback for the attempted murder he committed and then forgot about? They can call it an accident all they want but the fact is the only accident that happened was that he shot Miles instead of the guy he was trying to kill. He's an attempted murderer who got off cause of his high connections in the police department and the in the DA's office. If I wanted to root for somebody like that I would at least pick somebody who was played by a real actor, like Todd. So I do.

And finally we have the worst of the bunch, Starr. There has never been a more annoying and pathetic teenage character in the history of OLTL. It's impossible for anyone to match this girls shrieking, ungrateful, loserness. When I say ungrateful I don't mean toward her dad. She has every right to be mad at him right now. I'm talking about everybody else she comes in contact with. Whoever dares disagree or give this brat advice gets their heads ripped off. Starr's shrieked her bratty lungs out at FauxBlair, Dorian (who's sheltering her even though it means endangering her foster daughter), and Langston. None of them are against her but she still tore into them because of her obsession with Cole. That's right, her obsession. She doesn't love Cole and I don't think she ever did. She all but admitted it on Monday when she said that she doesn't want him to get hurt but his safety takes a backseat when it comes to her unhealthy need to be near him. This girl needs serious help. She's gone from calling him over and over again like a stalker to saying she will die without him. Is this the grand romance the writers are trying to throw at us? Yeah right! What's the moral here? If you love someone you can't live without them and you shriek, scream, throw a fit, and endanger their lives just to be near them? Instead of writing a blog about teen sexuality KA needs to start one on the dangers of obsession.

Like I said, Todd is in no way right for beating up those boys but he's a heck of a lot more likable than these three. Truthfully, I think he's just the latest victim of a soap trend that involves dissing and dehumanizing one character to make other ones look better. TPTB over at OLTL thought we'd all take the side of poor Marcie and the rest of the McBains. That's why they had Vikki not press charges and had every character and their mom repeating over and over how bad they felt for the kidnapper. That's why John's referred to as a good cop by everybody in town even though he helps criminals like Michael, Marcie, and Cole get away with their crimes. When the writers saw this wasn't working they started turning Todd into the biggest, craziest villain they could. For me it's still not working. I actually see him as doing the right thing in keeping Sole apart. Starr's feelings for Cole are dangerous. At this point I could totally see her kidnapping him, taking him to a cabin in the woods, and raping him. That's why I see no possibility of her ever aborting their kid or having anyone else adopt him/her. I'm dreading how bad she's going to get once FauxBlair finds out and tries to suggest options on what to do. The shriek fest is just getting started.

Thanks for the strong and bold opinions, Harry! I sort of understand where you're coming from, but I have a different viewpoint. First of all, as much as I love Trevor St. John as an actor, I cannot describe my feelings for Todd Manning in any way other than "hatred" at the present time. He has been more annoying than any teenager could ever be, because he is an ADULT acting like a teenager. He's a rich, privileged asshole who treats his wife like dirt and his kids like fancy cars that people keep denting up and breaking into and he has to keep repairing (yet they continue to drive off, leaving him emotionally stranded). I cannot in any way be on Todd's side. I think he's repulsive and emotionally retarded.

Having said that, I agree with you to an EXTENT about the other three characters.  Blair really has become a sad shadow of her former self. But that process started years ago and has resulted in the present watered-down incarnation of a once-great vixen (Asa's She-Devil, if you will). Dena Higley had it out for Blair and with a relentless stream of dehumanizing storylines for her, turned Blair Cramer into a mindless, soulless whore. Gone was the desperate-to-be-loved cougar who could give GH's Claudia Zacchara a run for her money. Gone was the woman who used to out-manipulate Todd on a regular basis. Gone was the woman who could take a man, turn him inside-out, and then go off and cry in the corner like the wounded girl she was. Nowadays, Blair is pretty much just a Stepford wife, like you said, whose sole preoccupation is to keep her out-of-control husband placated. She really has become the embodiment of that rather disturbing country song "Stand By Your Man." I am just waiting for her to sing it at Capricorn one day. The directors can put together a montage of Todd trying to murder Starr's friends, raping Marty, and killing Ian Armitage while Blair sings to Todd with a tear rolling down her cheek. And Todd will be off in his own little world, feeling embarrassed that his wife had to put on that old red dress one more time and exhibit her emotions for half the town to see - including, most likely, at least a few other men she's had sex with in the past. 

Those might seem like hateful words, yet I still do love Blair in a way - and that's a huge credit to Kassie DePaivia being a brilliant and emotionally stunning actress. I just think Blair is a pathetic loser and really miss the way she used to cut through Llanview with those claws that were somehow clipped off in recent years. A cat without its claws can't really scratch anything, can it? 

As for the tweens in love, I realize Brandon Buddy is still in need of improvement - especially in the diction department. But he HAS packed an impressive emotional punch in the past year, giving admirable performances especially when Marty died.  I'm not saying he's the next Marlon Brando, but he really is connected to the material. He just can't always deliver it clearly. He'll continue to improve, I hope.  Kristen Alderson, on the other hand, has been turning out Emmy-level work since she was a child. Starr was always a brat. She still is. She's selfish, privileged, and ignorant. But whose fault is that? She's been raised by an oft-absent psychopath and a gold-digging slut, in the presence of a mostly mentally-diseased extended family and millions upon millions of dollars providing a lavish lifestyle. She's gone through the trauma of fatherly abandonment on numerous occasions, in almost every case thinking her father was dead or about to be killed. Her mother has provided her with several replacements, and Starr also become bound to a second mother figure (Tea) who also abandoned her. Her youngest brother was kidnapped for months after being born of rape. Her mother was also the product of rape, and her father is a rapist himself. Her aunt (Viki) and great-aunt (Dorian) are sworn, lifelong enemies. It's no wonder that Starr acted like a needy stalker when she finally found her first serious boyfriend in Cole. I can't deny that her constant texting drove me up the frickin' wall. I wanted to smack her. And yes, she has been VERY whiny lately. But I find her feud with Todd to be absolutely riveting, even brilliant. As Trevor St. John told me in my interview with him last year, it makes no sense for Starr to be such a good little girl. This story is the closest the show has ever come to playing Starr as a young schemer. She still has a heart of gold, but the affects of the sins of the parents are starting to show through. She's a spoiled little rich girl with the most dysfunctional parents imaginable. What do you expect, really? All things considered, she has a good heart.



MAIL REPORT

"As big a shakeup as it was to see Starr having sex, it wasn't out of character. Here's a girl who's parents are too involved in their own lives to do anything with her besides help her get a drivers' permit (probably because they don't have time to drive her anywhere); they couldn't even remember her birthday this year. Starr's been raising herself for quite some time while going form one home to another. Why wouldn't this blossoming girl want to experience the intense love of a boy who's the only one that consistently pays attention to her needs. The endless and depressing cycle of TnB has spawned a woman who's crying out for love and affection, and we all know who she learned this from."  - Mia

Indeed!

"Why has no one mentioned the fact that Cole is probably Todd's son? That is why Todd is so worried about Starr and Cole."  - Valerie

Oh, I don't think so. There was a time, maybe a year ago, when I thought the chance of Cole being Todd and Marty's son was pretty high (even though chronologically it made no sense). However, now that Starr and Cole have had sex, there is absolutely no way they are siblings. OLTL/ABC/Disney would not allow teen incest to transpire and result in a pregnancy storyline. They are trying to do a responsible "social awareness" storyline. They're not going to dumb it down and make it about incest... although in a way it's too bad because I can't imagine what could be MORE dramatic at this point than Cole and Starr finding out they are brother and sister. Actually, that's way too yucky  BUT the Todd/Cole father and son dynamic would certainly be interesting. It won't happen, though. Besides, with Marty dead there is really no way for the secret to come out. Marty would have a lot of explaining to do, since Cole is older than Starr, and Starr was born years before Marty and Patrick could have had any children.

"I think One Life to Live is hands-down the best soap on TV these days. But can we PLEASE make Sarah and Cristian go away?" - Annie

WE can't, really. I mean, I do my best but I'm only an online columnist. I can't imagine that TPTB at OLTL actually think this pairing is working. That's why they're suddenly pretending like Nash is attracted to Sarah and Jessica misses her old high school flame, Cris, even though she just divorced his brother and ruined his niece's life.  Sometimes the writers just do NOT think. They rearrange characters like so many flowers in a wedding bouquet regardless of whether or not the flowers go together. Cris and Sarah should never have become a couple, but that doesn't mean Nash/Sarah and Jessica/Cris will be any better. Besides, David Fumero is most likely going to be leaving the show soon. Where does that leave us? With a Jessica-Nash-Sarah triangle? Yawn. What is the point of all of this? Sarah, Cris, and Nash are all worthless characters as far as I can see, and Jessica just pales in comparison to Tess.


Please send your OLTL thoughts, complaints, suggestions, and desperate pleas to:

Robert Iger, President of Disney (ABC Parent Company)
robert.a.iger@disney.com. 

Anne Sweeney, President of ABC
anne.x.sweeney@abc.com.

That's it for this week.  Thanks for reading, and don't forget to e-mail me.
 
 

 

 

Until next time - don't forget to feel the Craze! 

Jeremy in Chicago

 

 

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