At first I was truly excited to write a GH column for a change - even though my favorite show, One Life to Live, is starting to come out of a 4-year low thanks to a change in Head Writers, and is therefore more exciting to write about than usual.  But since I've watched General Hospital for just as long as OLTL (about 23 years), I assumed I would have a lot to say in this one-week-only column. So I was a bit surprised that, while watching this week's GH episodes, I felt almost nothing.  Typically while I watch GH I will fast-forward some scenes, particularly if they have Emily Quartermaine in them or feature the same old repeated dialogue between characters like Carly and Jax, Sonny and Kate, Maxie and Logan, etc. This week of course, I watched every moment intently (since I had to write about it) and expected to be riveted at least once. After all, OLTL is riveting me now almost on a daily basis. And GH is certainly fast-paced enough to hold my attention. There is always something happening, though overall story arcs can take years to unfold (Jason and Liz STILL aren't together and won't be any time soon). It's sad then, that I felt like I was watching a two-dimensional show that had no heart. Featured characters like Maxie, Sam, Lucky, Rick, Trevor, and Jerry are so repulsive that I practically needed to take a shower by the time the show was over.     

I could explain away my lack of emotional response to GH by letting you in on my general take on the difference between OLTL and GH. GH, in my humble opinion, has the best cast on daytime television, bar none. Not only does it boast acting geniuses like Tony Geary, Jane Elliot, Nancy Grahn, and Maurice Bernard, but it's also populated with top-of-their-game daytimers like Robin Christopher, Steve Burton, Laura Wright, Rick Hearst, Julie Berman, Becky Herbst, Leslie Charleson, Tyler Christopher, Stuart Damon, Greg Vaughan, John Ingle, Kimberly McCullough, Ingo Rademacher, Kelly Monaco, and hot newcomers Bradford Anderson, Sebastian Roche, Josh Duhon, and Carolyn Hennesy. I mean, that's an impressive cast (even if many if not most of their characters are utterly loathsome people). One Life to Live has some amazing talent as well, but it also (unfortunately) has a good chunk of weak actors on board - many of whom have been on the show for years and years. With General Hospital, the actors are held to a certain standard, and if they can't hack it... they're out (with a couple of exceptions who are still better than the weaker cast members on OLTL).  Even people like Kristen Storms, who stunk up the screen on Days of Our Lives, has been turned into a consistent and effective actress. GH can be considered the "actor's soap opera." But is it the audience's soap opera? No, I think not. I think it's Bob Guza's soap opera - a daytime serial that spins endless tales about the mob and all of the tortured souls surrounding it, in a relentless formula than emphasizes plot over
character. Since Claire Labine's tenure ended in the mid-90's, General Hospital has lost its spirit for the most part. Luckily for me, One Life to Live - no matter how badly written - has never lost its soul because the main overall concept of the show hasn't changed. General Hospital has changed from a gut-wrenching emotional roller coaster to a dark, dreary study in plot for plot's sake - often delivering brilliant acting and directing but rarely making a tear fall from my eyes. And when I have cried over GH in recent years (on rare occasion), it has always been exclusively because of how brilliant the acting was. It's never due to story. The last time a storyline on GH made me cry, I think, was when Jonathan Jackson left the show and Lucky "died."

The first thing I noticed after watching this entire week's episodes was that only about half of the canvas is being used. Every day there was Sonny and Kate, Trevor and Kate, Jason/Liz/Lucky/Sam, Spinelli, Lulu and Logan, Maxie, Carly/Jax/Jerry, with a little drop of hospital stuff and some Nik/Emily and Rick thrown in. There were no Quartermaines. No Tracey. No Alan's Ghost. No Monica. No Edward. No Alice. Scott wasn't around. There was no Skye. Robin and Patrick were missing (which I actually had no problem with after their horrible story with Anna and Noah). Alexis had a few too many pot brownies and was too paranoid to appear on screen. Amelia was barely seen. Ditto for Coop. Haven't seen Lainey in about a month. Georgie is M.I.A. Mac is in hibernation. Bobbie, Leslie, and Audrey got locked in the Quartermaine attic and have probably starved to death by now. Mike has been reduced to a coffee pourer.  So the first thing I have to say about GH is: This is a very unbalanced show. And with the incoming mobular takeover story kicking in (how many times, in how many different way is Bob Guza willing to tell the exact same storyline???), things are only looking down for non-mobular characters. If you're not connected to Jason or Sonny, you might as well check into the Back Burner Hotel for an extended stay. Or worse, prepare to be shot down by mobular crossfire.

But let's work with what we've got. I have to review the show based on what I saw this week. And what I saw this week was a bunch of drama surrounding characters who, for the most part, are soulless, vicious, shallow individuals - not to mention stupid. Let's examine them, shall we?

-  Nik and Emily.  Perhaps I should clear the air and just state my simple bias from the get-go: I absolutely think Natalia Livingston's portrayal of Emily Quartermaine is one of the worst things to ever happen to this show. It's not entirely her fault, of course. Guza wanted a "new" (pod) Emily to replace the Emily we all loved so much, so brilliantly played by Amber Tamblyn. It's not Livingston's fault she got cast (nor is it her fault that the laughable blue ribbon panel gave her an Emmy a few years ago). But that doesn't make up for the fact that every time her whiny, sappy version of Emily is on screen delivering her horrible empty breaths, sighs, and pointless "yeah's", it brings the whole show down.  Perhaps that's why then, after inexplicably renewing her contract (if she would have left, Tyler Christopher would finally be able to have a new scene partner), GH decided to turn Nikolas into an asshole overnight. You see, if Nik becomes abusive towards Emily, then maybe people will start to like her via increased sympathy. It's the same misguided theory that brought us Connor's rape of Emily a few years back. I, for one, will not let a rape or other abuse of a hateable character force me into liking them. I consider it manipulation from the writers. It's not going to work. I don't know where this story - if you can even call it a story - is headed, but I can only hope that Nikolas breaks free from Emily as a result. The only problem with that is... Nik is one of the only likeable characters on the show, and soon he'll be just another prick like Sonny or Rick. Oh well.

-  Spinelli and Jason.  I don't have much to say about them that you probably don't already know. These two characters together are a goldmine. A super couple. It's just that simple.  Although Spinelli can be a bit much if he's on the screen too often, his relationship with Jason is one of the only interesting ones on the show, and one of the ONLY relationships where the two people involved are on the same page and actually seem to respect one another.  More, please.  But leave those three Playboy bimbos to reality television - there is more talent in a piece of Bradford Anderson's dandruff than in all three of those silicone-brained ladies combined.  Maybe instead of spending money on Hugh Hefner's trophies, TPTB could invest in a contract for Genie Francis.   

-  Skye. Oh wait - never mind. Skye apparently isn't on the show anymore. I guess when you have one of the most talented and beautiful actresses on all of daytime (Robin Christopher), someone who can hold her own with Tony Geary, it's hard to come up with anything for her to do. Skye should have been sleeping with Sonny by now and helping him to take control of Alcazar's holdings, getting in Carly and Jax's faces, playing cat and mouse with Jerry, and bridging the gap between the Quartermaines and the mobular factions. But she wasn't good enough for Sonny I guess - they had to find a newbie to bring on instead, didn't they?  I find this strange since Skye was already smack in the middle of the mob world and could have been controlling Alcazar's business after his death.  She could have been Sonny's new enemy, or lover - or both. 

-  Jax/Carly/Jerry. That whole Irina storyline was beyond ridiculous. Jax was "raped?" And while he was "raped" he and Irina still managed to use protection? Oh puh-lease. Who wrote this crap? The showdown where Jerry killed Irina (did anyone doubt this would be the outcome?) was not only anti-climatic, but it showed once again that Jerry is a heartless, soulless beast who should repulse anyone looking at the screen.  But just like serial murderers Sonny and Jason, Jerry fits right in with Bob Guza's idea of what a hero is (hero = violent killer). Thankfully, Sebastian Roche is an excellent actor. But no amount of charm is going to make me like someone who shoots people he cares about as well as innocent bystanders like Robin. And what about the line where Jerry said that Irina was the only woman he ever loved? HEL-LO? What about Bobbie? Not only has Jerry failed to reference his past with Bobbie (Carly hasn't brought her mom up either), but Bobbie and Jerry have yet to have a single SCENE with one another since Jerry's return.  Perhaps that's because TPTB no longer allow Jackie Zeman to appear on screen unless Bobbie is attending a wedding.  Bobbie's absence in this story is so glaring that it makes the entire scenario too far beyond the limit of the suspension of disbelief. Bobbie would be ALL OVER Carly's involvement with Jerry. She would be meeting with Jax and telling him to keep Jerry away from Carly. She would be shocked and horrified and devastated by what Jerry has become. Irina isn't the one who could have redeemed Jerry - Bobbie is. So what gives? Shame on you, General Hospital. Shame, shame, shame.  As for Jax and Carly, I have to admit that I actually found their scenes together to be quite good. I've never been a fan of Jax, and I don't buy for one second that Laura Wright is playing the character of Carly (Benson) Corinthos. But Ingo and Laura do have chemistry and their post-Irina scenes were loaded with good adult writing and strong, understated acting. Bravo to them. I still don't really care about their characters, though.

-  Alexis. Oh right, she wasn't on this week. Come to think of it, she's barely been on the show at all lately. Look, as much as I LOVE Carolyn Hennessy's new character Diane, she's completely taken Alexis' place. I think it would have been much more riveting if Alexis had gotten Jason off the hook for Alcazar's murder. She would have been all up in Rick's face, involved with Sonny, and clashing with Sam. Like I said, I love Diane - but lately I feel like she is on the show at Nancy Grahn's expense. I think it's a travesty.

-  Robin and Patrick. They weren't on this week, but I just had to comment on something I find very sad and mystifying. That is, that throughout the 90's Robin was my favorite character next to Brenda. She was the heart of General Hospital.  Her relationships with Stone and Jason were both exceptionally soulful and the stuff soap romance is supposed to be made of. Why then, have TPTB turned her into such a crashing bore?  Jason Thompson's Patrick is likeable enough I suppose, but he too is a snore. Together, Robin and Patrick squabble and annoy one another in a tiresome routine that practically divorces Robin from her past and her true character. I feel that Robin and Patrick are part of a formula (in this case, girl with HIV and her reformed playboy boyfriend tackle obstacles related to her disease and work their way towards having a child) that works on paper (like so many of Guza's formulas) but doesn't deliver any emotional impact. How I long for the days when Robin was the heart of General Hospital. Now she's just another two-dimensional character - and just as whiny and predictable as Emily Quartermaine.  Too bad. 

-  Sonny/Kate/Trevor Lansing.  One thing is clear - Ric's dad is a freakin' bastard.  I mean, there is not ONE likeable quality about this guy. But luckily, Stephen Macht is SUCH a good actor that I only want to see more of him. Yet at the same time, I can't wait for the day this character is murdered. He's just devoid of any positive qualities (a common theme for GH characters). Though he may be somewhat of a two-dimensional villain, his arrival is actually quite a nice injection of spice into the mobular story. Because without Trevor's involvement, this would be just another trademark Guza retelling of the same old "someone's coming for Sonny's territory" storyline. Trevor not only makes the Sonny/Kate dynamic more interesting, but he also gives Rick Hearst some long overdue meaty material. I can't say I'm really looking forward to all of the violence coming up, but I AM looking forward to some more Maurice Bernard/Rick Hearst scenes (they're always brilliant together) which have a renewed tension and complexity because of the history brought up by Trevor's arrival. I am hoping that Trevor becomes a common enemy for both of them and that Rick and Sonny can take their relationship back to where it was a couple of years ago (more connected and vulnerable). As far as Kate goes, I just don't really CARE about her yet. I'm not sure if I ever will. She's already proven herself to be shallow and irresponsible in the way she handled her legal troubles. She's been loyal to Trevor for years, and he's an evil bastard. She's kind of jerking Sonny around, too. I was really hoping for a Sonny/Skye pairing after Alcazar's death, especially since Laura Wright and Robin Christopher were burning up the screen together. I thought the Carly/Skye feud should have continued. I just don't see how this new Kate character offers any permanent or even semi-permanent solution to the age old problem known as "Who can Maurice Bernard be paired with?" At least Kate's an adult and we don't have to suffer through the HORROR that was Sonny & Emily - but that still doesn't make Sonny & Kate anything special. The actors work well together - it's the story and definition of Kate's character that make this couple too flawed. I don't think this is a woman who can handle Sonny's lifestyle, temper, depression, family, or Carly. She won't cut it. 

-  Lulu/Logan/Maxie. Ick. This storyline is just repulsive, isn't it? It's just another example of the Guza regime's insistence on plot over character. Here we have a sort of rough-around-the-edges bad boy (Josh Dohan was so brilliantly cast as Scott's son - he so resembles Kin Shriner and the kid can act, too) in Logan. TPTB nicely prepared us for a Logan/Lulu romance, which was a good idea since Dohan has chemistry with Julie Berman. Logan and Lulu's union sets up plenty of historical reference and conflict where the Quartermaines, Scott, and Luke are concerned.  Then you throw in that horrific SLUT Maxie and the deal between her and Logan.  Basically, the story is a direct copy of Dangerous Liaisons - which was fine at first.  But I think it would have been enough for Lulu to just find out about the bet.  That would have counted as a betrayal and given this young pair plenty to overcome in addition to Papa Luke's return which certainly will complicate matters further.  But the fact that Logan actually slept with that nasty whore Maxie has completely ruined this storyline and any chance for Logan and Lulu to be a legitimate couple in the future.  Especially since Logan already realized he was falling for Lulu.  All he had to do was go to Lulu and tell her about the bet, apologize, and assure her that in the process of wooing her he genuinely fell in love with her.  Now he has no excuses and no dignity.  He can pout all he wants to, but the fact is his lust for scuzzy Maxie outweighed his consideration of Lulu.  He is basically utter slime, and probably the closest thing to a male Maxie the show could ever ask for.  He's just as big of a whore as she is, only dumber.  So who in their right mind is going to want Lulu to ever be with this guy again?  Not me.  Logan and Maxie are two rotten peas in a pod, and Lulu is now left with two romantic options:  That dull Coop or her best friend who she's not attracted to, Spinelli.  Her prospects are not looking good, folks.

-  Jason/Liz/Lucky/Sam.  Now this is what I would consider the main storyline on the show. At times it's been quite entertaining, I must admit. This week, the highlight of this quadrangle was the death threat on Sam by Jason. Those scenes were just bristling with fire and passion. In fact, they produced the hottest chemistry between Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco in years. As a result, I actually was hoping Jason and Sam had hate sex.  Seriously. It was that hot. But only sexually, not in a way I'd ever want Jason to love that crazy bitch again! The point is, those scenes rocked. I just loved seeing Jason threaten to kill Sam. Heavy stuff.  Soapy stuff.

But through the course of months, even years, how has this sordid quadrangle affected the characters involved? I would say at this point that only Jason has managed to retain any semblance of dignity (if you believe that a serial murderer/thug who is willing to kill his recent would-be baby momma can even possess dignity). We all know that Liz has been ruined by this storyline. The fact is, she's sitting there week after week, telling Lucky that she understands his anger but that he needs to let it go - when she STILL hasn't told him the truth.  It's just ridiculous if you ask me. I used to love Liz, but the girl has turned into a Class A Idiot. Lucky's addiction is no longer her responsibility (it never was), nor is it an excuse for her to continue with her lies and deceptions.  She is too afraid to be with Jason, and I believe she is lying to Lucky mainly just to avoid being on her own.  It's pathetic. I still consider myself a Liason fan, but it's hard to really care when someone acts as stupidly and as hypocritically as Liz has acted over the past year.  Then we have Lucky and Sam. In all of my years of soap watching, I can hardly recall two more unlikable characters. Sam was a gutter snipe for years until her relationship with Jason was supposed to turn her into a grieving heroine.  It never worked on me. I thought Sam and Jason were such a boring couple, and I heralded the return of Sam the Trashy Bitch. And I'm still enjoying her for what she is (a whore). What I'm NOT enjoying though, is how absolutely gullible and stupid Lucky Spencer is these days. Every word out of Sam's mouth is a manipulation, and Lucky falls for it every time. He treats Liz like garbage, and treats Sam like she's a misunderstood gal who's sweet at heart.  Oh puh-lease!  Matters are made worse by Greg Vaughn's wooden, passionless performances.  By the time Lucky goes through with sleeping with the harlot Sam, his last grain of dignity will be washed away forever.  Maybe in the long run it's a good thing.  Maybe TPTB will somehow use this story to turn him into a "new" Lucky, one who is more like his father.  But I'm just not too sure that Greg Vaughn is up to the task.  All I know is that watching these four characters mixing it up makes me like Jason, dislike Liz, hate Lucky, and hate Sam (though I am entertained by her).  So the real question is: Even if this story works on paper, can it be considered successful if the end result is that 3 out of the 4 characters involved become defined merely by their circumstances (plot) and not at all by their inner character? Liz has become a weak woman. Lucky is fickle and shallow. Sam is a sociopath. Jason is sensitive, loyal, protective... and a serial murderer. It's kind of hard to overlook that a serial murderer is the most likeable guy in town. This quadrangle may be entertaining, but how is it serving the four characters involved?  And how is it serving us, the viewers? Is this story deepening our understanding of these people? Yes, I'm afraid it is. And it ain't pretty.  

Like the show in general, the saga of Liason's slow march to becoming a couple provides the audience with a pretty good plot featuring inconsistent, unadmirable, barely believable characters who in the end, deserve whatever misery awaits them in the dark, dreary, depressing world of Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps' Port Charles.    
       

Thanks for having me as your columnist this week. It was fun - though I wish I could be more enthusiastic about the show.  If you haven't read my usual column, The Llanview Craze, come check it out!  Happy Labor Day!

Jeremy in Chicago