I admit, that’s hardly the jazziest title I ever came up with. It also gives away the whole ball of whores before I even get started. But sometimes the general state of unpleasantness at General Hospital just gets on my last nerve.

Strippers, strip club owners, users, abusers, mobsters, hit men, hit women, bag men, mob molls, mob widows, soiled doves, ladies of the evening, madams, strumpets, call girls..

Forgive me for drifting away there for a second. I felt the need to visit Her Royal Bath Bower and wash up. And yet I still feel soiled. Why is that? Could it be that General Hospital is stuffed to the gills with the lowest stripe of human life and yet still feels the need to wedge in a few more denizens of the underworld? Why, yes, it could.

Who exactly do they think their target audience is, anyway? Perhaps the bored harlots of the world, lounging in their sifty lingerie on their chaises longues, with business a little slow in the afternoon. Perhaps ABC counts on them to flip on the telly to see all those characters they can identify with. How about the men who purchase their favors? Yes, I feel sure that those all-important hooker and john demographics are entranced by the state of GH.

As for the rest of us, not so entranced.

Which leads me to my couple of the week. Not for nothing do their combined names equal Sucky. As I cast my mind over Summer and Lucky and their, um, curious liaison, I find myself thinking about anything but love in the afternoon. This duo is, to me, more like social disease in the afternoon.

So, Lucky, you’re hanging with a ho now? I realize you went and chatted with one when you were 15 or something, but you know, you walked on by that streetwalker. You just said no. You decided you were better than that. So now here we are, years later, and you’re back with a skank. And you have maybe a date or two (Did they ever actually date? Did I block that out?) and then they hit the sheets with nary a condom in sight. You knew Stone, Lucky. You knew Robin, Lucky. You have a brain, Lucky. You’re doing the deed with a common trollop and you didn’t think about protection, about slathering yourself in antibiotics, disinfectant, spermicide and plastic wrap head-to-toe and maybe getting a distemper shot after?

What were you thinking?

A better question may be, What was General Hospital thinking? Who was the story wizard who thought up the idea of Luke going bananas and hooking up with a hooker? He used Summer to replay the joys of his youth and to stick the strumpet in there as a replacement for his beloved wife, the mother of this child, and one-half of the most famous love affair ever in the history of daytime. Sure, a two-bit whore replaces Laura. Not too insulting, is it?

Apparently it wasn’t quite insulting enough, because they went one level sleazier, and made it a father/working girl/son triangle. Yes, that’s right. It’s not bad enough to have one daytime hero enamored of a prostitute, so let’s make it two! And by all means, let’s have them be related!

Pardon me while I toss my royal cookies.

You know, when your viewers are gagging at the very idea of an Intrafamily Sweet Tart Triangle, you might want to rethink that. It becomes a sick joke, and frankly, GH doesn’t need any more of those after Courtney the Teenage Stripper, Jason the Walking Oxymoron Holy Hitman, Rick the Attic Corpse, AJ the Surprise Stalker and Alexis the Lying Loony Lawyer. It’s not that Summer and her love life are any worse than any of those. It’s just that enough has been enough for some time, without the need to add her to the mix, too.

So let’s sing along with Luke, Lucky and Summer (with a little guest appearance from Liz), kicking up their heels around the tables at Kelly’s as they tell us their tale of “Summer Loving.”

(Luke)

Summer loving, had me a blast

(Lucky)

Summer loving, happened so fast

(Summer)

Met a geezer, crazy for me

Then his son, cute as can be

Turning tricks in the same family

But, oh, oh, those Spencer men!

(Liz leans in closer to Lucky)

Tell me more, tell me more

Is she really a whore?

Is she bad, is she bad?

Did she sleep with your dad?

(Luke)

She ran by me, got hit by a truck

(Lucky)

She looks like Mom, it’s such great luck!

(Luke)

I saved her life, then I went cuckoo

(Lucky)

Took her to bed and showed off my tattoo

(Summer)

What can I say?

I made ‘em pay

But oh, oh, those Spencer men

(Liz)

Tell me more, tell me more

Was it easy to score?

Total sleaze, total sleaze

You should be checked for disease!

(Lucky)

I turned colder, that’s where it ends

I didn’t even want to be friends

(Luke)

I found out she was doin’ my kid

Don’t have the cash for a higher bid

(Luke and Lucky)

Summer dreams, ripped at the seams, but, oh, oh, that Summer lo-ove!

So that’s their story in a nutshell. Blast, fast, geezer, son, whore, cuckoo, tattoo, sleaze, disease, ripped at the seams. Or maybe just seamy.

It doesn’t help that the guy who jumped in the sack with the shady lady was Lucky Part Deux, and before they had time to shower after, we got switched to Lucky Part Trois. I suppose the added years on Trois help a little, but still...

Oh, let’s face facts. Nothing was going to help this Sucky story. Nothing. You can recast with Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks or Tom Thumb, and it’s still not going to help. She’s a hooker. Nuff said.

X O X O