I just wasn’t in the mood to write my column this week. I don’t know what the problem is or was. Perhaps it’s all about the fact that finally some nice weather moved in and my thoughts have turned to spring fever. Maybe it’s those pesky deadlines that keep piling up even more quickly than I can ignore them. Or perhaps that I’ve just been voted Most Likely to Be Blah in Blahville.

My other theory is that I’m uninspired because I just wrote about One Life to Live last week and the other choices are not exactly faboo these days and I can’t do OLTL two weeks in a row. Romance isn’t exactly growing on trees in ABC Daytime. What’s a Queen of Hearts got to write about?

So first I tried to wheedle the King into writing it for me just this once You know, a guest column from the male perspective. He quirked an eyebrow at me in that arrogant and annoying way he has. “Write about the soaps? Not bloody likely,” he growled, sending shivers down my spine and making me all a-quiver, but not getting my column done. I tried to take a page from the soaps and manipulate or seduce him into it, but he still wasn’t going for it. I know very well that the women of daytime frequently use slinky lingerie and a few feminine wiles to get what they want. Why didn’t my nefarious plan work to get my column written?

It’s a mystery. Sometimes real life is a bummer.

Next I tried to bully or browbeat my page into doing it. Asa does that sort of thing to Nigel all the time. Why can’t I? I’m the freakin’ Queen, you know. But I’m afraid that upstart of a page just sort of sniffed at me and toddled off to watch “American Idol.” I mean, really!

My failure as a scheming vixen or a tin-pot despot got me to thinking about Kendall, the nubile and slinky manipulatrix who steams up the sheets on All My Kids. Here she is, princess of devious tricks and schemes, and what’s she got going now? Why, she’s being outmaneuvered six ways to Siberia by a Machiavellian man with tricks and schemes of his own.

Okay, so Michael’s plots sound like something out of Rocky and Bullwinkle. “We must secure the magic secret formula!” he says, twirling his invisible mustache as he conspires with Natasha Badanov. I mean, Lena Badanov. It may sound silly, but he’s got Kendall wrapped around his little finger, even though it should be patently obvious to anyone within a hundred-mile radius that he is Up to No Good.

Why would Kendall fall for mysterious Michael so fast, so hard, and with a total disconnect between her brain and her throbbing loins? I have no idea.

 Where do I begin?

To tell the story of how duped a girl can be,

A really smart girl who is acting stupidly,

The simple truth about the creep she doesn’t see

Where do I start

With Kendall Hart?

With his first hello

She went along with Michael’s ludicrous demands

Some lousy flowers and she’s putty in his hands

Without a clue about his underhanded plans

Not very smart

Miss Kendall Hart...

William DeVry, who plays Michael, is a good actor, so that’s a relief, considering some of the other folks marching in the parade of newcomers on AMC these days, and he gives Michael a patina of intelligence and intensity. He’s also good-looking, in a certain fast, scheming sort of way. But let’s take a step back here. Michael may be pretty, but Kendall had Ryan and then Aidan rammed up against her candy-stripe headboard, so she knows what’s what when it comes to drop-dead, drool-on-his-boxers gorgeous.

When Michael gave her the oldest ultimatum in the book — “You either sleep with me or I leave town” — any schemer worth her salt would’ve shown him the door. Instead, Kendall caved. Okay, so when Michael peeled off his clothes and revealed the abs to end all abs, the six-pack that goes to eleven, it became more understandable that Kendall might want to give him a twirl, just for fun.

But still... Kendall is a smart girl. She’s Erica Kane, Jr!  And she has more than fun on her mind with Michael. She’s channeling her romantic, vulnerable, I-just-want-to-be-loved side. Kendall really seems to think this is the real thing, as Michael plots to use her to get his hands on that Magic Secret Formula That Will Change the Face of Cosmetics. It has something to do with Boyd the chemist, who is also harboring a tendresse for Kendall. Boyd is extremely good-looking in his own right, and I feel sure he has some pretty nifty muscles of his own under there, plus he seems like a heck of a nice guy, all upstanding and sweet, with a Magic Secret Formula which proves he’s brilliant and talented.

Why is Kendall overlooking Boyd in favor of Michael the Snake? Even in an ab-off, I think there would be a draw.

While I am not really seeing any reason on my screen for Kendall to be so smitten with Michael that she doesn’t see the Magic Secret Boyd in front of her, I have to admit, I am hooked on the Rocky and Bullwinkle aspect of it. What is Michael’s plan? How does it involve Boyd? Does he want Lena to sleep with Boyd to seduce the Magic Secret Formula out of him? Or does he want Kendall to sleep with Boyd to seduce the Magic Secret Formula out of him?

What’s it all got to do with Erica? What about Bianca? And when will Michael go far enough that Kendall sees the light and understand that she’s being played for a patsy by double-dealing abs of steel and pretty, shallow words?

It may not be real love (although I am wondering if Michael will decide, once he’s broken Kendall’s heart, that he really does care for her. Ah, the irony!) but it’s pretty fun while all the invisible mustache-twirling and plots and counterplots with Lena’s ambiguous sexuality and Boyd’s affections and Kendall’s mysterious disappearing brain keep cranking.

On the hot-o-meter, I have to say that Michael is Kendall’s least tempestuous tryst so far. Alicia Minshew has the knack of hottening up her partners, but Michael doesn’t compare to either Ryan or Aiden, and I honestly think Minshew has more chemistry with everyone else, from Petey to Palmer. That doesn’t bode well for any Mendall (?) or Kichael (?) action down the road, even if he does come to the conclusion he really loved her all along. But I still like the ingenious plotting before we get to the big heartbreak. I guess that means I’m giving an A to the corporate spy caper and a C- to the romance. Overall, this pair averages a B-.

Who will it be next week? Will the Queen get her groove back and find some inspiration and get her book done so she can return to you refreshed and rejuvenated? Tune in next week to find out!

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