Have pity on the poor “All My Children” scribes. They take all the right steps to build a great romance between saucy, snippy Greenlee and reformed bad boy Leo, fans buy tickets for the ride, Greens and Leo fight off the Other Girl, the Other Boy, much familial interference, and even the rival vixen who wants the same wedding dress, they truly love each other, we love them even more, and...

And the fabulous Josh Duhamel, so good, so irresistible at playing Leo, turns in his notice. Before we have time for even a brief happily-ever-after, Leo’s out of there, baby. Ouch.

So they give Leo an over-the-falls send-off that leaves it open for his return if Duhamel’s primetime or film aspirations don’t pan out. But what about Greenlee? With no hope of recasting the Leo role any time soon (guys like Josh Duhamel don’t grow on trees, nor do they vanish from our collective memory all that fast) they send up trial balloons for Greenlee with #1 brother-in-law, David, who is clearly not on the market and not a good choice, as well as #2 brother-in-law, arsonist/attorney Trey, who is clearly not clicking as a character at all, let alone with recently bereaved Greenlee. Our grieving heroine is left alone for awhile, for the requisite two-minute soap opera mourning period, but you can’t leave your front-burner ingénue without a romance for long. So no one was surprised to see the new guy for Greenlee looming right there on the horizon.

When the hunk in the tool belt walked in the door at Fusion, mumbling something in a terrible accent about fixing her pipes, it was as obvious as if they’d paid someone to trail smoke from his plane to paint LOOK! SOMEONE FOR GREENLEE! In the skies over Pine Valley. Billboards! Flaming red clue arrows! Anvils dropping on our heads!

I think this was intended to be a “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” kind of thing, where the earthy man of the people socks some good, earthy lovin’ to our aristocratic lady and gets her back in touch with the earthy real world. That would’ve been lovely if the character of Carlos was earthy. Or exciting. Or if he even had a pulse.

There’s no question that Max Alexander, cast as Carlos, is a gorgeous man. Tall, dark, beautifully built, Alexander has the looks of a classic soap hunk. And Rebecca Budig, who plays Greenlee, is talented and spirited and all-around adorable. I swear that girl could sell me on the depth of her love with her eyes shut and both hands tied behind her back. On paper, Greenlee and Carlos seem like a viable match. But on the screen...

Oh, dear. Greenlee is her usual bratty, sassy self, batting her big brown eyes and capturing hearts willy-nilly, while Carlos is...there. Kind of like a block of granite. A block granite who attended the Mt. Rushmore school of acting. Yes, he’s pretty. But is that enough?

Well, no, it’s not. Far from being the handyman Greenlee needed to fix her broken heart, Carlos is about as handy as a box of rocks. He drags down her scenes, as heavy and uninspired as all those wrenches and hammers hanging from his tool belt. When there’s nothing but surface good looks, even the good looks start to seem unattractive with nothing going on mentally to back them up.

I realize that they tried to fix the problem. So, yes, they had him writing poetry to make us believe there are hidden depths there. But I didn’t believe for one minute that sweet, dim Carlos was penning poetic odes to his love. I started looking around for someone homely, with a big nose, for the real Cyrano behind the screen. Yes, they had her snobby mother sniff and say he was beneath her so we’d all sympathize for Mr. Honest and True Man of the People. But I found myself agreeing with Mama Smythe that he wasn’t good enough, not because of his occupation or his prospects or his pedigree, but because he shows so much less than Greenlee (and her lost love, Leo) when it comes to intelligence and savvy and the crackle of personality. Yes, they threw them into situations with all the classic romantic clichés, like the day they both got all wet and their clothes got clingy or that steamy yoga class where they were supposed to spiritually and physically connect. But there is still no electricity there, no underlying tension, because there’s just no there there at all.

You can be the prettiest person in the building, but if it’s all surface and it suffers by comparison to the last guy, you’re in major trouble.

You walked into the office like you were walking onto a yacht

Your belt strategically dipped below one hip

Your tank top was thin and taut

You had one eye in the mirror but no other conscious thought

And then Simone dreamed that she'd be your partner

She'd be your partner, but...

You're so dull, not even really hot looks can save you

You're so dull, I kinda hoped your hot looks could save you

Too bad! Too bad!

They cast you several months ago to pair up with Greenlee

Well, they knew that you'd make such a pretty pair

and hoped you would never leave

But they can't replace someone like Leo quite so easily!

You had some dreams they were lost like your accent, lost like your accent, and...

You're so dull, not even really hot looks can save you

You’re so dull, I kinda hoped your hot looks could save you.

Well I hear you busted some pipes and stuff to get you and Greens all wet

Then you fondled her scarf and wrote some poetry, thinking that total romance was all set 

Well you should have tried personality

Instead of just standing there like a dope looking hot in your blue jeans

Hot in your blue jeans, and..

You're so dull, not even really hot looks can save you!

You’re so dull...

I want to like Carlos, I really do. Everyone knows we are very short on eye candy and romance on the soaps these days. So why am I turning up my nose when they’re handing me roses and poetry on a platter, crossing all the t’s and dotting the eyes, giving us couples yoga and swoony kisses and all that good stuff?

Because what Greenlee and Leo had was really special, and you’d better find something equally special to replace it. Greenlee and Carlos is so not it. Adding layers of shallow romantic gestures — candy, flowers, kisses — does nothing to address the real problem. A common tool does not a handyman make.

So I guess I’ll be waiting for someone who can bring the intelligence and sparkle and heat for Greenlee. She deserves it.

Next week, it’s back to Port Charles. Who would you like to see? Let me know who, why and what you like or don’t like about them, and I may very well quote you!

Till then, I remain...