Vampire Love: All Sizzle and no Stake?

Here we are, throwing another log on the fire, trying to keep warm in the Love Shack. Brrrr... But what better way to raise the temp than a discussion of that steamy duo, Caleb and Elizabeth, from “Port Charles”? Actually, I’m not totally sure if Elizabeth is married to Caleb, or one of his other identities (Stephen Clay? Michael? Does Caleb have the proper ID to get a marriage license? And what about those pesky blood tests?) but I’m going to go with calling him Caleb just to keep things neat.

When you think about it, neatness is not an easy task when you’re around vampires. Blood, death, destruction, coffins, holes in your neck, turning into bats, trips to Transylvania ... It can totally get messy. Doesn’t sound like a real recipe for romance, does it?

And yet there’s something very seductive about a vampire man. Okay, the original, silent film’s Nosferatu, was pale and squicky, in dire need of orthodonture, a manicure, and maybe a few chemical peels. Ditto for that odd creature played by Gary Oldman with the humpy hairdo in the most recent “Dracula” flick. Not my idea of attractive.

But the other vampires hanging around are a different story. From Frank Langella on Broadway and in the movies to Tom Cruise as Lestat and Angel and Spike on TV’s “Buffy,” the siren lure of the bloodsucker is undeniable. Part of it is casting, for sure, with all these gorgeous guys taking on the role, and PC’s Michael Easton fits that profile. He even ups the ante with his husky, hypnotic growl of a voice, sending shivers down the spines of prospective victims. It’s no wonder the girls are lining up, yelling, “Me, me, me! Suck my blood next, please!”

It’s not just looks and voice, either. Anne Rice’s vamps are plenty hot, even on the page. What is it about a vampire man?

Since I’ve never done a vampire hero, personally (and you can take that either way you want), I asked a friend who does write these guys for a few words on the allure of men who bite in the night. She gave me this complicated explanation about the mythology of the life-giving force of blood and eternal life and the erotic appeal of lack of control as it applies to the latter-day feminist, and frankly, I tuned out. I know she knows what she’s talking about, and I’m sure that’s why she writes vampire books and I don’t, but still...

It’s not very fun, is it? I prefer to think about danger and darkness and men who are so intoxicating, you’re willing to throw good sense to the four winds and take that nasty ride. As Libby Gelman-Waxner once wrote in her column in “Premiere” magazine, “Yes, I will drive over that cliff with you. Let me just leave a note for the babysitter.”

Danger, darkness, sinful fun between the sheets... What’s not to like?

Of course, there are some drawbacks when it comes to love with a vampire man. Yes, he can live forever as long as he stays away from wooden stakes and the light of day. But will his eternal life be spent with you? Or will he move on to some other pretty neck once you’re sucked dry? To illustrate that point, I’m offering the song of the week, with apologies to Carole King.

Tonight you're mine completely,

You suck my blood so sweetly.

Tonight the light of lust is in your eyes,

But will you want me tomorrow?

I imagine Elizabeth humming that to herself even as we speak. I think it’s pretty clear Caleb is using her in his never-ending battle against her daughter, Allison, and said daughter’s vampire-slaying beau, Rafe, while his soulmate (if he has a soul) is really Livvie. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is sniffing Ian’s neck for a little blood on the side.

This is definitely not a love match.  In fact, it is, as we like to say in the romance biz, all about lust, not love. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. As long as both parties are clear this is for fun, not for forever, what’s the harm? Well, for vain Elizabeth, the “no reflection” thing has got to be a trial. How does she make sure her scarlet slash of lipstick isn’t smeared? Plus there are those holes in her neck, that problem with sunshine, and a hunger for blood that’s kind of a downer, but maybe the sex is good enough to make it all worthwhile.

For Caleb and Elizabeth, it certainly seems like it is. Tangled in the sheets, down where it’s twisted and dark, as he presses his fangs into her neck and she arches up into his bloodthirsty embrace, this unholy duo is on fire. Better make sure the smoke alarms are working — these two may just start a conflagration right there on the bed.

I don’t know if marriage between these two was really the best idea, since neither seems to be in it for the long haul, but after all, they’re already vampires and they’re killing people. What’s a little adultery between vampire friends?

Sizzle or fizzle? These vamps are hotter than Hades on a summer day! In fact, there is so much sizzle here, I hope they both away from stakes for a good long time.

Till next week, stay warm!

 X O X O