Ever since Scarlett O’Hara...  Okay, wait. Let me back that up a bit. Ever since Eve, with stops to visit Shakespeare’s Cleopatra, Becky Sharpe and Scarlett O’Hara, fans of stage and page have hankered for the bad girl. Is she scheming? Does she lie like a rug? Does she want what she wants right now, right this moment, and woe betide anyone who gets in her way? Is she sexy, sultry, complicated, smart, reckless, and a little crazy? More than a little crazy?

Uh huh. You know her when you see her, don’t you? And you love her. You know you do.

Soap heroines started out to be the good girls, those sweeter-than-pie, (mostly) blonde cutesie wootsies who just wanted to be loved by the nice boys, do the ironing in their cozy-wozy cottages, bake cookies with their grannies at their elbows, pop out babies in peace, and stay far, far away from the (mostly) raven-tressed evil temptresses who kept stealing their men. But a funny thing happened when Another World’s Rachel and All My Children’s Erica got on board.

As the popularity of the bad girl just kept rising, the soaps began to feature divas, divas, everywhere. Move over, mealy-mouth Mary Kinnicott! Out of my way, Alice Frame! Khrystle, have you met Alexis?

Once the witchy girls dig in their scarlet fingernails, they stay, stay, stay. These days, you can’t throw a makeup sponge at a soap without hitting at least six bad girls right in the exposed cleavage. Greenlee, Kendall, Blair, Lindsay, Skye, Carly, Nikki, Jill, Reva, Sami... All the most intriguing women on the soaps are walking on the shady side of the street.

And why not? Taking a page from ol’ Cleo, the bad girls got the best clothes, the best lines, the best men, and look out, the best revenge. For bad girls, revenge is not a dish best eaten cold — it’s a whole buffet, and it’s hot, hot, hot. Maybe this is a power fantasy for female viewers, who look at their 9-to-5 jobs and that huge pile of unwashed laundry and the snoring lump on the sofa and wish just once they got to crack a whip over a really hot guy and make him do their bidding. Or rip all the buttons off his shirt to reveal his perfect pecs before they tie him to a big wheel and then take him for a spin...

Excuse me. I had to send my page for a cool cloth for my forehead just thinking about that one. It’s a potent fantasy, all right. Power. Looks. Evil oozing from your pores. Doing what you want, when you want it, with no thought of the consequences. Crack that whip, kitten!

Of course, ol’ Cleo also got a bad case of death, right in the asp, for her troubles, but they can’t go there on the soaps, thank goodness. No, usually they redeem or clean up the bad girls instead, at least enough to keep them around awhile. They have to find some way to show us that these delicious, devious dames of daytime are vulnerable and loveable underneath all the hissing and spitting. But it’s a delicate thing. If you declaw them completely, you risk losing the fans who loved them in all their rotten glory. If you leave them badder than bad, you risk losing the fans who yearn for justice and redemption, as well as the actors who usually like to see a little character growth with their evil.

Saucy, flame-haired Natalie certainly fit the profile when she hit Llanview. Bent on revenge against Jessica, the blonde cutesie-wootsie who, in the Book of Life According to Natalie, had stolen Natalie’s rightful place in life, scheming and manipulating left and right, stringing Seth along on a leash, Natalie had her claws out, all right. And viewers loved her immediately, with heaping helpings of compassion and understanding added after they saw her rotten excuse for a mother, the bizarre and horrifying Roxie.

Natalie was truly the girl who wanted it all and got a big, fat nothing. Her fake mom was a nightmare, her real mom didn’t want her, her real sister hated her (Cat fight! Cat fight!), the boy she brought with her liked her sister better, her only friend was Allison, the psycho nutcase with an agenda, and everybody in Llanview kept yelling at her for being mean to poor Jessica. Boo hoo. But then she met Cris. Noble, beautiful Cristian Vega, hottie of the hotties, so adorable that people were hiding cameras in his apartment so we could all watch him pump iron without a shirt. (Oh, yeah. Thanks for the memories, One Life to Live. Page, sweetie, could you whip that palm frond a little harder? Your Queen’s feeling a tad overheated.)

Even though Cris was spouting sentimental nonsense at the incredibly blah Jenn Rappaport at the time, we all knew he and Nat would strike sparks. And they did. Lookee! Cris believes her! Lookee! His IQ is rising every time he’s around her! Lookee! She may’ve lost stupid Seth, but she gets gorgeous Cris instead! Good deal!

But there’s just one problem. If you make her all runny and gooey now that she’s in looooove, she’s not so much fun anymore. And she seems to have lost not merely her edge, but also her brain. Suddenly a beanhead like Jenn has Natalie’s number? Transparently evil Mitch can hornswoggle her in three seconds flat? Cranky Carlotta cuts her off at the knees? She’s getting drugged and drug around and almost has her heart ripped out of her chest?

As my husband the King would say, “Not bloody likely!” So what happened to nasty Nat, the venomous vixen with the bad attitude, who would’ve smacked Jenn, kicked Carlotta to the curb, bitten Mitch’s head off and stomped on her wicked grandpa? I’m afraid that finding love has taught her a new tune.

I’m so wimpy

My spine is melting

Like a noodle

It bends and bends

And it’s you, Cris

Making me limp

You’re making me wimpy..

But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Natalie on the outs again with Mom and Jess is giving me hope she will find her way back to Bad Street. Natalie, honey, you should talk to Dorian when she gets back to town. She can give lessons on How to Stay Bad and Still Get the Hot Guys.

Even with the wimpy streak, I have to admit that I still love Cris and Natalie. They’re just so pretty. And I totally buy into the fantasy about how the “bad girl with deep wounds and broken heart gets love of best guy around to heal her wounds and show her she’s good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like her!”  I still yearn, in my romantic soul, for Cris to be her everything and to show her that life can be sweet, at least on some level. Hold her hand, Cris. Be there for her, Cris. Just don’t take away the whip, Cris. But do take off your shirt, Cris, ‘kay?

Oh, and Cris? If this thing with Natalie doesn’t work out, give me a call, okay? I promise, cross my royal heart, to stay very, very bad.

Keep those comments coming! I promise to crack my own whip over the Page and make sure he does a better job answering. We got a little behind Valentine’s week when so many of you wrote, but we will try to do better.

Who should it be next week?  You can choose from All My Children’s David and Anna, Port Charles’ Jack and Tess, or General Hospital’s Lucky and Summer. Who do you want to see in the Love Shack, shackled by the Queen?

 Comments/feedback?
Email me  QueenofHearts@soaptownusa.com