Never to be one to deny my favorite characters their every hearts desire I’ve enlisted the help of my very best, top notch, or should I say top shelf (I thing we’re all going to need mucho margaritas to get through this) Santa’s Helper - one very creative and funny elf, to sort through all their lists, determining who’s been naughty or nice.  Together we’re sprinkling angel dust (oh yes, we’ve been let in on the secret) and making all wishes come true in our best PORT CHARLES fashion.  Fun and games.

Ho Ho Ho...  It’s that time of year again…got my rum swizzle, my cookies, my laptop, a bag full of needy, greedy…oops.  I mean, letters from good little boys and girls.  Or in my case, dysfunctional, brokenhearted, disillusioned, misguided, conniving (did I miss anything?) citizens of Port Charles.  Yeah, it’s me – Sandee Claus.  Oh you were expecting someone else?  Some fat old happy guy?  Get real.  The job got too big centuries ago and now it’s turned into a family business.  And because I fit the demographic, 16 – 49 year old female with a Buffy obsession, I’m stuck answering the mail from a certain small New York town, where for the life of me I can’t seem to locate on my Navigator.  But hey, I must have done a good job last year because by the time New Year’s rolled around, everybody got what they wanted.  Pssst…don’t tell granddad but I really didn’t do much since some angel guy happened to do it all. I ended up at Nordstrom’s Shoe Dept that Christmas Eve and got these killer black Manolo’s.   Let’s just say that Herbie the Elf got his Christmas present early.  What – ok, oK.  Great, great, great grandmom just popped in and told me to get my butt in gear, so let’s get to it.

First on the list is Kevin “Doc” Collins.  Hmmm, I remember him from last year.  He asked for more “edge” to his personality.  Thought he was too bland and boring for his loopy girlfriend.  Well Doc, you wanted an edge, you got an edge, you psycho, and you certainly ran with it.  This year you wanted a supply of hypodermic needles and psychotropic drugs?  What yah think I am a pharmacist?  And for what?  Nope, I’ve been watching you. I think the best thing for you, Lucy and Ian is for you to return to the pleasant, comfortable confines of a FUNNY FARM.  And not that bogus one up in Canada where all you did was listen to rejected Bryan Ferry demos.  Nope, there’s a nice little place in the Catskills, called Happy Trails that I think will do you a world of good.  If you run into Dr. Zoe Loft tell him I said hi and am getting better with that candy cane phobia, ok.

Speaking of Lucy, not much on her list this year.   Only the fat chance of spending her one year anniversary with her husband in relative safety and without being distracted by some stubble wearing, poetry spouting brogue chin dimple.  I’d love to fulfill this wish Lucy, but the best I can do this year is a make over from the Style Network and the hope that they can get you in a Chanel suit before it’s too late.  Besides, I have other plans for Ian.  Hey, OUCH – quit kicking, Comet I was only kidding.

Ok Ian, I don’t need a lyrical letter in Shakespearean pentameter to know what you want.  Sometimes, man, the gods are not on your side.  You lost your lady and fell in love with another’s this year…. so I am sending you a case of Irish mist, a lifetime supply of four leaf clovers and my phone number.  Don’t call until after January 5^th, though.  Kind of busy until then.

Awww look.  Karen Wexler and Frank Scanlon both say they don’t want or need anything this year.  They have each other.  Awww.  ahem, so does that explain why the two of you have been holed up in the Presidential Suite in the Port Charles Hotel for the last three months? Nah, you guys don’t need nothing…except maybe a vasectomy for Frank. 

Ok, who’s next on the list….Chris Ramsey.  Who?  I don’t think I know this guy. Hmmm… no wonder he’s asking for Something to Do this year. The guy who actually wears real clothes, Hugo Boss anyone. Mr. Suave, smooth, slimy and despicable yet with a heart of gold (if it’s actually bankable currency that is).  The guy who actually has, gasp, talent to burn, the stuff that’s been wasted this whole year. Well, that shouldn’t be hard.  You work in a hospital,  do something heroic, or negligent or funny.  Yeah I just remembered, you’re the guy who provides much NEEDED comic relief around here.  Just one teeny, tiny thing Chris my boy, be careful what you wish for Dr. Ramsey.  I hear werewolves haven’t been to town yet.

And who do we have here young man….Oh Jamal Woods, my man!  The brotha is in the house!  Sorry, I don’t get to talk like that too much when I’m working with you guys.  Matter of fact, you don’t either, seeing that you ARE the only brother in the hood.  So for you this year, I’m arranging for your sister Gabby to move back to PC, for you to have a long weekend in NYC to get down  and hang  and lastly, to get yourself a lady who knows how to say no to lip gloss.

Ricky Garza and Marrisa Leong.  A new gig.  On Passions.

Jack Ramsey, Jack Ramsey…looking for an actual story you say. Basically spent 2002 standing around looking as scrubbed and shiny as a boy scout whilst “the evil one” stomped, on your heart.  Your reward my good little boy, the fulfillment of your secret sick little dream - Tess, the sweet, innocent childlike Livvie alter ego, genuine assets and all, that you just can’t seem to resist.  Enjoy the cradle robbing while you can Jackie boy, courtesy of moi, because it ain’t lasting long.  Sorry, even I can’t keep the two halves separate for much longer - you want one, you get both. Pretty soon they are going to morph back into one personality anyway.  If you’re a really, really good boy you might just be rewarded with whatever emerges as the result, should be more than enough to satisfy your needs I think.  Let me know if it’s still not working for you ok. 

Hah, lookie here…Livvie Locke.  You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me.  Wait, let me show this one to the rest of the elves, this is too funny, they need a good howl too.   Evvil, Liver, Litch…what else did every armchair analyst and critic (geez, everyone’s a critic) on the boards  call you this year?  Coal is well, such a cliché in situations like this, I really should be so much more creative.  Let’s see what you asked for, not that anyone in Port Charles really cares. Oh. What’s this, you want a soul? Do you mean soul, as in “Marvin Gaye - Soul” or did you mean soul as in a “Conscience - Soul”.  Huh. Well too late Missy.  Sorry, I tried to be creative but even Sandee Claus can’t top the only thing better suited to you this season than coal – and it just happens to be the next evil entity on my list…

Stephen – YEAH RIGHT – Clay.  Caleb.  Batman.  The Prince of Darkness. Whoever. Nah, back to Caleb (who ever said any of us could actually look into the future).   You want her dude, you can have her. You can argue amongst yourselves who’s sexier, more seductive, more decadent, whose lips are fuller, who is more evil.  The competition leaves me shivering in my sleigh.   Livve Locke and Caleb Morley, experience this. You’re both getting exactly what you deserve this year.  Each Other.

Ah, the  lovely junior  Widow Barrington.  Hmmm, this one’s hard to read, looks like you changed your mind a few times. Let's see...first thing you wished for was "For my philandering SOB of a husband to drop dead". (check) Then you wrote "My dearly departed Malcolm's millions". (check again) THEN you wrote "My daughter’s inheritance".  Oh this is getting interesting.  Finally you decided that all you want for Christmas is to "Feast on Stephen Clay's charms and have my daughter's unconditional love and friendship".  Looks like you already got your presents this year, Elizabeth, so I'm sending you a couple of things NOT on your list.  You'll thank me later.  Lifetime supply of Iron Supplements and MAC #5 Eternally Red lipstick.  And believe me, for you, that's a lot of lipstick and pills.

Almost done, whew, two names left on my list for the year. 

Alison Barrington…To say you were a good little girl this year is an understatement.  Gosh, gee whiz.  Snnoore.  Oh sorry, dozed off there.  Ok I gotta say you make my job easy.  You certainly deserve every good thing that there is out there, the man of your dreams and a white picket fence. But I am going to give you a few things you DIDN”t ask for, because, well, sometimes you can be TOO good for your own good, and it’s so boring for me otherwise.  First I am giving you a new pair of glasses to replace those rose colored ones you insist on wearing.  Then I am throwing in a Deluxe DVD of Mommie Dearest. Please watch it NOW and get a clue. I’m also going to throw in The Definitive History of Vampires and the Slayers Who Love Them.  It’s a desktop reference book, leave it out and look up definitions every now and then. Might make your life a tad  easier right about now, ease the confusion you seem to wandering around in.  Explain to you just exactly WHAT and WHO your man is.  Could help you know.   Lastly I am treating you to a full body massage.  You’re looking awfully tense lately.

And finally, last but never, ever, least…Rafe Kovich.  Boy, what a difference a year makes, eh angel boy? Or should I say Slayer guy, but umm, you’re not quite that either.  I think out of everyone on my list you’ve already received what you’ve always wanted, and to tell you the truth, not even the Old Man himself, Great, great, great, great Grandpop St. Nick could top what your Dad did for you.  But since you asked so sweetly, here goes.  One tattoo of angel wings, placed right there upon your shoulder to remind you of where you came from (with a promise from you that you display it in full view at least twice a week – OUCH, Comet stop it!!!).  One petrified wood stake to remind you (and your soul mate) of who you are now. One successful bout with the vampire coming right up. The odds, statistically speaking, have got to be in your favour this time, my bookie is holding my sleigh and the town’s treats  as collateral, if there’s any holiday cheer at all in town,  you won’t lose this time. And  I know you didn’t ask for it, but I am throwing in one Norelco Beard Trimmer, for when you grow your beard back.  Because Angel, Slayer, Human, and all delicious combinations therein, that’s what’s on MY Christmas list this year. That’s not the only thing on MY list of course, but in the interests of propriety you know….

And for the entire town of PORT CHARLES, I am granting you a NEW timeslot and ratings that never go below 2.5. 

Merry Christmas to All and to All A Good Night… one which  doesn’t include having to watch what’s her name on SoapNet that is, man is that chick for real?   And boy am I glad I don’t have the General Hospital gig, if I have to hear Brenda’s name one more time…..Ho, Ho, Ho.