By Max, Special to the Herald

The evil winds that roared into PORT CHARLES creating havoc for the town may also have just brought an unexpected problem: vampire overload.  Daily demon reports should now read - Warning. Stage 2 Vampire Alert in effect.  The elderly, children and all those particularly susceptible, like those needed to advance the storyline take cover.  High readings were reported at sites from churches to luxury lairs to recording studios several experts said.  The spiked readings resulted in warnings to brides to be, doctors, slayers, wannabe rock stars, and plain folk who may or may not have rediscovered their past powers.  No one took heed. 

“One of the causes could be a by-product from the last arc, Stephen Clay’s revelation as Caleb,” said a county supernatural division spokesperson. “But that’s only a guess because there are no scientific studies to rely on.”  At least not yet. “PORT CHARLES has experienced spikes in the past, but not to this extent,” explains the official.  “High counts also occur when the writers don’t know when they’ve pushed too much of a good thing combined with the need to figure out how to exit this vortex they’ve created that has about reached its limit of plausibility,” the spokesperson continued.

Pinpointing the cause of the overloaded supernatural circuitry shouldn’t be too hard to locate but such source tracking is expensive and currently unavailable at the county level, although at least one laboratory is expected to begin work on the problem very shortly.  A cure is very close says a reliable source that this reporter can’t divulge.  Past research from a brilliant, though frequently absent GH physician will undoubtedly play a major role in the Demons, Spirits, Vampires and Slayers Administration’s (DSVA) approval of the serum.  Of concern to the Administration however is possible wrong doings on the part of the researcher with regards to the marketing and illicit sale of said serum. 

A PCU professor who studies atmospheric disturbances of the good vs. evil kind that started this whole chapter says in rare instances a popular vampire character can hitch a ride on an equally popular angel/slayer character traveling back to earth.  “There’s plenty of room for hitchhikers if it means the balance of good and evil is to be maintained and in particular if it provides the means to keep both talented actors on the show indefinitely.”  The professor elaborates, “If in fact the actor playing that popular vampire character has indeed signed a long term contract the process of turning him human must begin immediately.”  Hence the twisted, turning plot points, characters pulling vanishing acts, and newbie vampires thrown our way in just two short weeks.

The Director of the DSVA said he finds that as long as human, personal stories continue to weave throughout the supernatural stories this momentary rise on the radar shouldn’t be of too much concern.  History has proved 9 times out of 10, or maybe it was 8 times out of 10(?) that arcs do come to some sort of conclusion and we should expect SURRENDER to do the same.  The shelf life of the current vampire crew can’t be much longer than 11 more weeks he predicts.  “Caleb Morley, Joshua Temple, Elizabeth Barrington, most of the Stephen Clay Experience band members and their security force, and now Dr. Thornhart are simply too many blood suckers for one small upstate New York town to handle,” he surmises.  All indications point to newly turned Dr. Thornhart fiercely and gallantly battling those vampire forces that have invaded him, facilitating an end to the madness and proliferation of same. 

What is entirely not so certain, says the Director, is just who will emerge from their evil possessions and who will surrender to it.  Elizabeth Barrington, whose portrayer has apparently gone on contract status, Joshua Temple who has turned up in the credits and Ian Thornhart, a longtime fan favorite, are the most likely candidates for redemption.  The rest will not survive whatever fallout occurs when the full dimension of the crisis becomes clear, most likely in late March.  “The recent spate of the newly turned is not yet over,” fears the DSVA Director, whose identity must remain concealed. “Even garlic hung from the door jambs and a supply of wooden stakes for all innocent citizens will not guarantee their safety,” he warns.  Possible victims include Ricky Garza and Marissa Leong, the two weakest characters in this link and the ones who should find themselves caught in the above mentioned fallout. 

SURRENDER is now caught in the awkward position of having to stick to its rather ridiculous current front burner human story unfolding beside its supernatural ones – Rafe and Alison as Boris and Natasha trying to solve the “mystery” of their (non-existent) sibling-hood.  Predictions indicate strongly however that the Vampire Caleb’s manipulations in this department may just force this bs into an exciting human interest story in spite of itself, an exploration of Rafe’s past. Officials acknowledge the difficulty but admit that actual character development may be on its way. 

Prompted by widespread charges that PORT CHARLES become the BUFFY of daytime, it is forced to set demanding standards in balancing its supernatural tales with its human ones.  The actors and crew are certainly rising to the charge despite reliable reports that this second week of SURRENDER failed to.  Aside from isolated instances of slayer vs vampire fun and games, vampire mom vs her newly turned doctor fun and games and Lucy and Kevin fun and games on the docks, allegations abound that this week the score read -  Vampires 1 – Humans – 0.   

Disclaimer:  The Port Charles Herald bears no liability whatsoever for the opinions expressed herein.  No I have officially not lost my mind, though the Rafe/Alison as brother and sister set up could have done the trick, just thought a bit of tongue firmly planted in cheek humor was needed.