So you want to be a vampire.  So you want to bag a vampire.

With so much dramatic tension inherent in the confrontation between good and evil swirling around PORT CHARLES, I’m concerned that not much attention is being paid to The Rules by vampire or slayer alike.  Surely an ancient rulebook exists, but this being the 21^st century, our most modern of slayers and vampires (think rock star) don’t seem to be taking much direction or comfort from any established protocol (clearly outdated anyways).  What’s called for here is a revised version, something they can turn to for guidance when their world gets too confusing (courtesy of writing that pays little attention to any accepted lore either) or they have to explain to us lay people just what the hell is going on. 

Be A Great Storyteller.

In other words, concoct your lies so convincingly that while obvious almost immediately to the clever audience and clever slayers, it takes a minimum of 1/3 arc, maximum of 3 arcs to decipher and disprove.  Stephen Clay. Caleb. Stephen Clay. Caleb.   Keep them guessing, and most importantly deny, deny, deny. When that doesn’t work invent a credible past, one that’s never been written before by any soap scribe, and incidentally one that doesn’t make sense -  vampire royalty is a good one to choose.  A reluctant vampire in a long line of vampires (but since vampires can’t sire offspring this handbook is still unclear on the issue of such bloodlines).

It’s Not A Conversation, It’s a Presentation.

Make every conversation count when addressing slayers and/or the general population.  Each one should be filled with innuendo, half-truths, taunts and blatant lies.  Always have something of substance to say and make sure to drop a bombshell every now and then.  Letting your slayer know you came back to earth because he did to balance the scales qualifies as prime bombshell material. 

Unveil Your New Self In As Flashy A Manner As Possible.

Never slink back into town under cover of shadow and fog, trolling through graveyards or back alleys as might be expected of you. Be as flashy and obvious as possible.  Pick a public event, a rock concert works, throw a huge bash and show yourself to the world in all your former and present re-invented glory and power.  Reveals of this type are guaranteed to throw the slayer(s) in your midst so totally off balance and off kilter that it will definitely take at least one arc for them to regain it.  Imagine the havoc you could wreck during that time and no one would be the wiser. 

Eat, Drink and Be Passionate.

Contrary to previous rules, a potion to ease the need to suck blood is available and just waiting for FDA approval.  Brand name Vampirade, looks and smells like regular designer water, packaged in a nifty blue bottle.  But be wary of eating or drinking, side effects have not been accurately documented. Attempting to hide said vampire status from slayers by breaking bread with them may not be an effective way to go.  In the absence of adequate thirst quenching turn to a slayer for a different kind of quick oral fix. Indulge those considerable and uncontrollable passions of the flesh as it proves to be as effective an agent as any curative libation currently available.  Beware of ironic twists to create plot; slayer saves vampire through passionate lovemaking.  Discovers element in blood that might cure vampirism once and for all, or at least in PORT CHARLES.  Slayer(s) lose job.

Be Vulnerable.

Useful cover to get what you really want.  Much easier to gain viewer sympathy.  Reveal carefully to your own special creations even evil blood suckers can be reluctant about their status, full of angst and remorse and really just a guy or girl looking for love in all the wrong places.  Preferably latch on to that pure soul to find the darker one you’re really after.  But be very careful of what you wish for, pureness of soul is as seductive and dangerous as any other obsession and may leave you more vulnerable than planned. Recommendation is to cease soul separation experiments at once.  Vampires should never play the victim. Much more fun and interesting to maintain nastiness and evilness at all times.  Slayers take particular note here. An opened vampire heart may just be ripe and ready for your stake.

Find A Vampire “Free Zone”.

Take every advantage offered by PORT CHARLES.  Towns like this one have worked hard to attract the undead, evil spirits and assorted forces of darkness. Foreign supernatural investment has created a tax free haven for you to inhabit, over and over again, boosting the local economy.  Something in the air perhaps that keeps drawing you back to the scene of the crime. Slayers keep this in mind; sooner or later vampires always seem to be returning to this paradise, to seek fame and fortune, to seek revenge, to seek the great love they left behind.  Don’t look elsewhere, stay focused on this garden spot somewhere in upstate N.Y.

Fly Smart.

Two ways to go here, choose wisely, vampires and slayers alike because damn if anyone of us mere mortals can figure out how the rules apply in this case.  Maintain a private jet. Very handy for flying cohorts and loved ones around the globe, especially when trying to keep your identity hidden. When not in hidden identity mode morphing is the recommended way to go.  PORT CHARLES to Capri and back again in the blink of eye, so much more efficient than 8 hours on a jet.  Also eliminates the dangers of slayer morphing interference and manipulation of weather patterns. More research is needed for a definitive explanation of morphing rules. Apparently some vampires can, some can’t.  Some slayers can, some can’t.  Obviously an acquired skill, handed down through the ages. 

Make a Fashion Statement. 

Get Yourself Some Gucci. Or Roberto Cavalli, or some fashion hot off the runway.  Black leathers should do it, suede shirts, long coats.  And for the female ilk take your cues from see thru shirts with black bras and slinky satin negligees.  

Don’t Forget Your Roots.

Tip: To get that just bitten look always maintain goddess hair, roots showing, tousled and teased.  At the risk of becoming a cliché however, blood red lipstick should be replaced with Chanel’s Vamp, a more suitable color for 21^st century vampires in training.  And while being a tempest in an A cup is perfectly acceptable, slinky negligees and low cut gowns are not the best choice of attire.  Slayers always remember, red eyes and fangs – boys, green eyes and fangs – girls. 

Footnotes:  Random Rules To Pay No Attention To Whatsoever.

No need to hide in the shadows waiting for cover of darkness, daylight seems to have no effect on any PORT CHARLES vampires.  Roaming is encouraged as searing sunlight burning your vampire flesh and reducing your vampire body to ashes doesn’t happen in this town. 

Image is everything, seek your reflection in any mirror available, you will see your true self.  Never before in history has this been possible so enjoy it while you can.  But again, beware of what you wish for, your image may also be captured in photographs, on film and television shattering the accepted lore through the ages of the mystery and secrecy of your identities. 

Keep in mind this is a work in progress, Volume 1 if you will.  We still have at least one and a half more arcs to advise vampire and slayer alike when a rule arbitrarily changes to advance plot, to create shock value or to simply fit whatever scenario that script brought.  Then again we could go with Rules Be Damned.  That works.